Scenarios of subletting, huge amounts of family members moving in, unlisted pets, AirBNB deals under my nose, multiple calls for trivial issues, smokers, hoarders, etc.

I state that we are solely responsible for the cooking range.

The building is located in cook county, Illinois by the way, so it is not a terribly land lord friendly area. 

In Cook you are not allowed to say that you don't accept section 8 applicants as of 2013.   

Whether you are a Section 8 property or not, you still want to get tenants who will pay rent and not damage your property, or cook meth in it, etc.If the only people who are willing to live in a property are criminals or undesirables, then you will have problems.So, no, not any property will be a good investment.  

You may be able to put limits on the total number of humans allowed in the unit, credit scores above X for each adult, no rude people, people who smell like alcohol at 10AM, smokers, leather-wearers, vegans, etc.  

One of our tenants is moving to another of our houses so the wife just bought a new stainless steel range, one of our other tenants cooks in grease 24x7, she got $100 range from Goodwill.

She poured cooking oil on the carpet, pulled the bathroom mirror off the wall, I'm not sure what she did to the bathroom sink but it may need to be replaced.

I don't allow smokers.  

The property is smoker friendly but the extent of his smoking seems over and above.