Any ideas on how to reach a group of buyers interested in house-hacking this way, or the 60,000+ football fans that walk to the games nearby from this end of town? 

I 100% advise you to ask your lender and potentially an attorney to avoid any issues if they verify and you're not in it (try not to scam the government; I heard they're  not big fans if they getcha).

@Lucas Lawson, I'm a big fan of mini-splits, especially in a climate like yours where the heating season isn't that long or intense.

As a big fan of Chip and Joanna Gaines, I easily fell in love with all things real estate.

I am a big fan of Google Voice.

I’m personally not a fan of by the room rentals but I would do a flat rate with a split for overage over a base amount. 

If there's a fan in the bathroom, maybe wire it to the light switch? 

I've tried being reasonable with them, but their response today was to put a giant fan outside their door and aim it at my apartment so thru are literally blowing smoke into my unit.

Locksmith Supply places will definitely carry for Commercial grade (I am a big fan of the house brand LSDA sold by IDN that has a version with a Clutch, just in case somebody tries to break it by standing on the handle of the lever), or you can buy Schlage from Home Depot, Lowes, etc.

I've always been a fan of Albany Park myself, but I moved down south once it got outside my price range.