You'd have to find a property just in turnkey condition a la carte.

Now I get to buy and sell homes, feed my family, and live a wonderful life, lesson of the story is BEING HONEST IS THE KEY, ALL THE TIME, EVERYTIME.

Based off the pictures online it looks like it is in pretty good condition with little rehab.

Another idea you may want to look into is whole life insurance.

I’ve done some more digging and found “rent ready” comps, which more closely mirror the condition of the property, that would give a valuation I can live with.

It might help to show them on paper how much more they can make and  spread out their income and have less possible income tax liability in the life of the loan. 

Would I rather have $30k today or $1500 every month for the rest of my life (and my kids' lives) starting in 20 years?

If you are trying to use the "Delayed Financing" exception a couple of things you should keep in mind, #1 you must have paid all cash for the property (no borrowed funds for purchase) and no liens on the property #2 you can use the maximum LTV allowed for purchase of property (ie. for an owner occupied property 97/95% LTV or non-owner occupied max is usually 80-85% LTV) #3 must refi within 6 months of purchasing the property (so for the most part you are going to use the purchase price plus improvements rather than the new appraised value) #4 property will have to qualify condition wise within the lenders guidelines, so no major work should be outstanding like broken windows, holes in the roof, ect. 

I have been experiencing awful conditions as a buyer, expected to pay record low cap rates AND accept giant material defects, quickly and with cash!

The balloon is due in August, the taxes are delinquent and the buyer is not paying them and my bank is threatening to call the loan, and of course they do not know I no longer own the property.