Also had problems with rabbits, chinchillas, guinea pigs, and birds.  

Lifespans for humans, (especially those who aren't obese) is increasing.I honestly believe that the first person to live to 200 is walking around right now.

Sounds to me like you need to find your local Salvation Army, mental health association, churches, Habitat For Humanity and other non-profits.

Great job people, like seeing community involvement as that is where you will meet other like minded folks.My community gigs began in 82 and have been active until a few years ago:Coached Little LeagueDid volunteer tax returns for seniorsSang Bass in the choirTreasurer of large men's groupVolunteered with American Red Cross, Disaster Relief, Damage assessmentsBoard of Directors of Habitat for Humanity affiliateBoard of Directors, Ozark Literacy CouncilBoard of Directors Community Housing Assistance & DevelopmentAppointed as Commissioner, Springfield Public Housing AuthorityAppointed as Chairman of Rehabilitation and Redevelopment Committee of City long range planning commissionVictims Violence Center Volunteer Executive Director of Non-Profit Housing Organization teaching homeownership skillsOzarks Greenways, volunteered at lake clean ups (thanks Bob) I'm sure I missed some I know, but those in RE should be involved in their market, you are not only helping others you are shaping the market you're active in, it pays great dividends.

The trick is to call customer service and ask a human for the exact list that you want. 

Does anyone have a (reasonably humane) suggestion for me?

Having taught martial arts and knowing no human is faster than a bullet, I have a slightly different opinion of facing someone with a gun and the drop on you.

In May, if your PM should walk up to the front door in order to place the 24 hour notice, and hear running water inside the residence or smell gas (assuming, of course, there is gas service at the property or something else along these lines that their human senses should be able to detect,) you have an emergency.

Second - you do have a duty both legal in most jusidictions and as a human being in my opinion to call for emergency medical services for anyone you may have been forced to shoot in self defense.

Any suggestions (humane as well as not) are welcome - please throw your ideas, but don't make fun.