proof read/edit my letter

[Aaron Walker]

I just drafted a direct mail letter for my motivated sellers list and need someone to make some suggestions. Its not great so dont expect this to be something that you will want to use. Im not sure how to get it to you guys so I guess for the first three people that take interest I will request as a colleague and then send the letter in a private message. Any takers?

Thanks

[Jon Holdman]

I'd for sure drop the "after 5:30" piece. Business is normally conducted during the day, not evening. Saying you'll call in the evening is a sure sign you're not a business. Maybe that's what you mean to convey, but then the reader may wonder if you really can pay.

Can you really pay? You say "I can pay you cash within days". You may mean "days" to be 30, 45, or 60. Most people would read that as less than a week.

Don't say "leave me a message". A caller probably won't, and won't call again. If you're serious about getting sellers, answer the phone.

I'd agree with Bryan about the length. If they're not hooked by the first sentence or so, you letter goes into the trash.