elevator pitch cretique

[Paul Coin]

Folks I am a new investor and this is my elevator pitch.  If anyone would,  let me know how I can improve it.  Thank-you in advance.  

"We help folks that are in some kind of financial distress and need to sell their homes quickly.  Such as divorce,  probate,  or facing foreclosure,  and we purchase it quickly and for cash. 

Our company is Integrity Home Buyers.

Our goal is to help folks out of tough financial positions by purchasing their homes quickly in a win win manner.

I work with a great team of people that are constantly looking for creative ways to help folks solve their housing problems.

We also offer people who would like to invest with us the ability to earn an above average market rate that is secured by Real Estate.  

Do you know of anyone who needs to sell their home quickly for cash?  I pay a $500 fee to anyone who refers a seller to me when I purchase their home.  

Do you know of anyone sitting on money that may like to earn a great rate of return that is secured by Real Estate?" 

[Rick H.]

I was taught how to craft my elevator pitch by Jay Abraham personally, about twenty years ago.

I started with 1-1/2 pages and distilled down to about 4-seconds, as spoken. 

IMHO, both posts are WAY too long. I would have gotten off elevator at the next floor.

The purpose of the elevator speech is to answer the question, 'What do you do?'  It should parallel you USP and create interest; cause the listener to want to know more. 

It should not tell all.

Like the sculpture, when asked how they carve out a statue, the wordsmith needs to cut away anything that is not the essence of the central message.