Being a lazy millennial is starting to pay off

[Ryan Evans]

I’ve always been the laziest person I know. By far. From childhood, I never really saw the point of having a job. I knew some people didn’t have jobs, but made a ton of money and did whatever they wanted. I just figured I’d rather be one of them instead. Classic Rich Dad Poor Dad move, I know.

The “old” people in my life were all regretting their younger years and talking about how they can’t wait until they retire at 65 to go on a cruise with a hoard of other 350lb diabetic retirees. Well, guess what, I went on a cruise when I was 15. Why should I have to wait another 50 years to do it again?

I’m a millennial. I want to be lazy now. Not when I’m 65.

My peers at college were all excited about being adults and getting jobs. Meanwhile, I was doing everything I could to not get a job. I had to get creative since I didn’t have a whole lot of support on my mission of laziness. I built websites, sold photography, flipped cars, day traded stocks, started a house painting business, etc., but had this weird dilemma at 22 years old where I still wasn’t rich. In fact, I was as broke as ever. So I did the most rational thing I could think of and moved to Australia, the magical land where people intentionally lose money in real estate.

One real job and a few more failed side hustles later I wanted to get serious about real estate. But banks won’t even let me through the front door. All my failed endeavors led me to be a “strategic business consultant,” meaning “I’m an expert at driving a business into the ground so you should pay me to tell you what not to do.” It’s not the most stable line of work.

Anyhow, a year ago I found some well paying consulting gig that could be done via my trusty MacBook. I ended my lease in Melbourne and somehow saved $25k while partying around Europe all of summer 2016. I’m very serious about real estate at this point, obviously.

Got back to the US and went, oh, apparently you can’t buy a house in Seattle for 25k with no job. Damn. But it turns out you can in Cleveland, Ohio. So back to the airport I went.

After aimlessly driving around Cleveland for a week, I remembered that if I wanted to truly fit in with the other millennials, I had to be broke. So I had no choice but to get rid of the 25k or be forever exiled by my peers.

At the airport, on my way back to Seattle I signed a cash offer for $24.5k on a rundown duplex. It’s not like I’d spend all $25k, duh. I’m no idiot.

Nope, just kidding. I might be just a little bit. It was a disaster. Everything went wrong. But at least I’m back in with the hipsters. As long as I don’t tell them I’m cash flowing $850.

Flash forward 8 months and you’ll be glad to know I’m still as lazy as ever. But damn, being lazy is a lot of work. I suppose that’s why I’m using 100% someone else’s money for my next deal. The deal I just now e-signed while sitting in my underwear on the couch. The same deal that inspired this fine literary achievement. A couple more deals like this and I can retire and be full-time Funemployed.

Now, my next challenge as an overly entitled millennial is figuring out what to do with the next 39 years until my friends retire. I’m open to ideas.

Well, I’m getting hungry so I’m going to wrap this up and get started. You’re only 26 once, I guess.

Time to put some pants on and go for brunch. 

Ryan