How do you cope emotionally with nasty tenants?
Flipper/Rehabber · Monterey, CA · Member since 2014 · 193 posts · 117 votes
I'm one year into being a landlord, and I loved it for about the first six months--in spite of numerous challenges. I could handle it! My motto was "Nothing's gonna stop this cowgirl!" I rode high in that saddle.
But then a series of unpleasant tenant things happened, and too many units needed to be rehabbed and rented out at once. I got physically and emotionally depleted, and I rarely had time for any life outside of rehab, rent, deal with tenant problems.
Now I'm worn down--and NOW I get my worst tenant situation of all, involving a felon with serious anger problems, who moved in with a seemingly good single-mother tenant, without my permission.
Dealing with the problems themselves is one thing, but I'm really struggling to not collapse emotionally. I'm female, I'm sensitive, I'm somewhat introverted... is it possible I'm just not cut out for landlording, or are there good tricks for riding above the storms?
Thank you for your input. I'm going to slither to the floor now.
@Carol Venolia We totally understand and feel for you! Try not to let it overwhelm you. I think with time as a landlord, you will naturally become a little more tough-skinned.
Has this unauthorized tenant been angry directly at you?
Always remember, you do NOT have to stay in a conversation that is going nowhere or is making you feel stressed. In fact, you don't even owe a conversation in the first place. Send a notice that the lease is being violated (assuming you have a clause about unauthorized tenants or guests). Or like someone mentioned, have someone else handle these conversations for you.
Another big part of being a landlord is having a team of people to help you. Don't feel stressed. It's bad for our health. And remember this problem will pass.
I, too, was going through a very stressful period as a landlord when I first started. If it wasn't a nonpaying tenant, it was an angry one, or one threatening to sue me, or a neighbor claiming my property was damaging his! So much. Too much.
I finally somehow just learned to disconnect emotionally. I learned to not have lengthy conversations with tenants (especially when talking about an issue). I've learned not to make promises. I've also learned not to respond to tenant's calls and texts immediately--especially if it's in the evening--unless it's a true emergency. Once they realize I don't jump to their every tiny complaint (the neighbors are loud! my mailbox is crooked!), they stop "harassing" me so much.
Disconnect emotionally. Run your business like a business. Don't take people's rude behavior personal. You're a great person! And never never take your stress out on loved ones. :-)
Nah, but everyone does need a break now and then.
If your area is anything like mine, you can probably reach out and find a half dozen older guys who have done this for so long that evicting a loud felon is no big deal. Forming some relationships for when you need to take a step back will at least let you feel like you have options, even if you never use them.
Good luck, and try to remember they're all temporary problems :)
You can easily include a series of obscure clauses such as "eviction can occur due to...lack of character.....multiple complaints by neighbors....questionable sourcing of income....lying on an application..." list goes on and on.
The key point is, put something vague into your leases, and use it. Remember, people dont get into a career to be belittled every day. People dont get into investments to lose money.
Try your best to not do, be, or become both.
FYI, my fav is "failure to adhere to the rules of the lease or lied on or during the application process" and inject clauses such as "any individual over more than (x number of days) is considered a tenant, and must apply or be added as an occupant". Easiest in court to prove, and to defend if you have to. People often have their closest friends over to their place often, far more than say, 7 times a year. Easiest thing in the world to stick them with, and it holds well.
Notice how many of the major MFU Complexes have those stipulations in their leases? It works a lot more for just keeping additionals from coming in later on.
Hi Carol,
It sounds like you need a little vacation! Landlording can be overwhelming at times and taking a weekend off would do wonders for you. Now, as far as dealing with tenants, I always tell them that I work for the landlord, this puts you a step away from feelings and emotions. It makes it simpler to say no, to enforce something, as you are just "supposedly" working for the landlord and just doing your job. It also makes the tenants sympathetic to you as it seems that you are no longer the "bad landlord" and just someone trying to make a living "just like them". Try it out. It has worked great for me for almost 8 years.
Good luck,
Marina
"How do you cope emotionally with nasty tenants?"
Bourbon.....
I kid... I kid, Keep your head up and take a breath. You got this! Then go take a little vacation and see a family member for a few days. Then you will be dying to get back to a felon with anger management issues :)
I'm one year into being a landlord, and I loved it for about the first six months--in spite of numerous challenges. I could handle it! My motto was "Nothing's gonna stop this cowgirl!" I rode high in that saddle.
But then a series of unpleasant tenant things happened, and too many units needed to be rehabbed and rented out at once. I got physically and emotionally depleted, and I rarely had time for any life outside of rehab, rent, deal with tenant problems.
Now I'm worn down--and NOW I get my worst tenant situation of all, involving a felon with serious anger problems, who moved in with a seemingly good single-mother tenant, without my permission.
Dealing with the problems themselves is one thing, but I'm really struggling to not collapse emotionally. I'm female, I'm sensitive, I'm somewhat introverted... is it possible I'm just not cut out for landlording, or are there good tricks for riding above the storms?
Thank you for your input. I'm going to slither to the floor now.
I understand your pain. Keep the faith and take care of yourself. Remember that this too will pass and we will root for you! I agree to finding a good mentor to walk with you as you experience rough spots. Do you have a local rental association that you could join? How strong is your current rental agreement? How thorough is your screening process. I offer some of our documents in the BP File Place, available to you for free, look under Other Documents for these.
As for the most recent challenge... if you have a clause in your rental agreement about unauthorized occupants, enforce it. Be swift, firm and fair. It's okay to send a representative in your place if this is not a strength of yours. Or even hire the services of a professional property manager to give you a needed break.
If it were I, I would contact your original tenant and arrange to meet with her, and not in the presence of the guy. You have perimeters that you set in place with your rental/lease agreement. If she or he is violating the agreement, you must act now. This guy may be intimidating her and worse endangering her and her child. Think of the greater good and shore up. Serve a "Cure or Quit" or the equivalent. Don't approach the unauthorized tenant alone and find out as much as you can about him so you know who you are dealing with. Keep your personal safety and that of your tenants and neighbors in mind.
P.S. Take a listen to BP Podcast #83 where I share some of our landlording strategies and tips. Some may work for you. Good luck!
@Carol Venolia We totally understand and feel for you! Try not to let it overwhelm you. I think with time as a landlord, you will naturally become a little more tough-skinned.
Has this unauthorized tenant been angry directly at you?
Always remember, you do NOT have to stay in a conversation that is going nowhere or is making you feel stressed. In fact, you don't even owe a conversation in the first place. Send a notice that the lease is being violated (assuming you have a clause about unauthorized tenants or guests). Or like someone mentioned, have someone else handle these conversations for you.
Another big part of being a landlord is having a team of people to help you. Don't feel stressed. It's bad for our health. And remember this problem will pass.
I, too, was going through a very stressful period as a landlord when I first started. If it wasn't a nonpaying tenant, it was an angry one, or one threatening to sue me, or a neighbor claiming my property was damaging his! So much. Too much.
I finally somehow just learned to disconnect emotionally. I learned to not have lengthy conversations with tenants (especially when talking about an issue). I've learned not to make promises. I've also learned not to respond to tenant's calls and texts immediately--especially if it's in the evening--unless it's a true emergency. Once they realize I don't jump to their every tiny complaint (the neighbors are loud! my mailbox is crooked!), they stop "harassing" me so much.
Disconnect emotionally. Run your business like a business. Don't take people's rude behavior personal. You're a great person! And never never take your stress out on loved ones. :-)
Exactly as @Marcia Maynard and @Nicole A. have said. A mentor is a wonderful thing. I was a member of BP before I bought my first rental, and our first 2 tenants taught me a lot about screenings, evictions, tenant abuse, etc. Without my BP mentor, I don't know how I would have gotten through it, as the first eviction was 2 months before my wedding and we were landlords less than a year ;)
Yes, this too shall pass, and once you get the hang of landlording and get more experienced at screening, things should calm down. Tenants have also taught me to simply ignore things at times; when they don't want to hear about their lease obligations or violations, they have simply ignored me. I realized that was a good way to deal with their behavior too; I say or write what I need to, and then stop. Arguing never works.
Get a good attorney that specializes in landlord/tenant law and accept that it will at times cost money to have them deal with things. As Nicole said, don't answer the phone after a certain time (I put this in my lease and make sure the tenant signs that page). Any request calls, texts, and emails will be returned during business hours. There are exceptions, but start with that :)
Good luck and take care of yourself! It's easier said than done, but we're here for you!
I think landlording is for everyone. But I also agree that there are some things you might want to pay to have someone else do so you don't end up burning yourself out.
I've been doing this 9 years now? And i've had some bad tenants along the way. And clearly in this case, it had nothing to do with your screening process. You can't help it when the tenant allows someone else to move in that you didn't have the chance to screen.
However, hopefully your lease allows you to evict for them having someone else move in that wasn't on the lease to begin with. If so, then hire an attorney and file the eviction.
You will definitely get some stupid people that you have to deal with. But you can find ways to minimize the amount of contact you have to have with them when they start to become too big a headache.
And at this point, it would be easier to just turn it over to the attorney and let them deal with them for you.
In terms of burnout, it happens to all of us. We run into those months where it seems like we're spending every day/night of free time working on our business. To me, when that hits, the one thing that helps keep me moving forward is that it reminds that there's a reason that everybody else isn't doing this. And thats a good thing.
In 10 years, when you have a nice portfolio of homes and they're cash flowing nice chunks of money, you'll appreciate the amount of time, energy and effort you put into your business and will get to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
When I first went to the cpa I've been using for the last 5 or 6 years and explained what I was doing, he said, he's heard it before. And then shared that most people don't understand how much work it really takes to build up a portfolio. And then he said that investing is still one of the few blue collar ways for people to build true generational type wealth.
And thats what I believe. You can invest your money in stock and sit back and literally do nothing and get some reasonable returns. Or you can do what we do and buy investment properties, stick with the tenants, and build some true wealth.......
Doesn't make it any easier - especially when you're starting out. Its very easy for the doubt to set in as to whether its worth doing at all. But trust me, it is. And as time goes on and your income goes up, you'll be able take these things in stride a little easier. Its never easy when someone is either stiffing you on the rent, damaging your property or just being difficult, but it does get easier to deal with later on.
In the early years for me, there were nights when I would wake up at 2 in the morning and would obsess about why the one tenant wasn't paying me rent on time. Or some months why I was having to evict them for not paying.
At some point, when the profits grow and when you have seen it often enough, you just learn to write it off in your mind as the cost of doing business - the business of real estate.
Hang in there. As some others have suggested, take a break from it a bit. And then use the recharge to sick an attorney on them and have them evicted. One of two things may hopefully happen. Either they move out. Or maybe the girlfriend agrees to boot the boyfriend out. Worst case, you pay for the eviction and get rid of the headache.
I've found things tend to come in "bunches." if you can hang in there, things quiet down and the only thing you are doing is depositing the checks. that's the fun time. :)
at the end of the day, tenants just want to be left alone and make sure you are taking care of the needed repair requests.
@Mike H. Landlording is definitely NOT for everyone! I have a wide range of property owners I manage properties for, and some are great landlords, and some just won't let me so my job and handle things for them. The ones who are not cut out for this are the ones who get financially stressed easily and can't let go of control enough to let other people help. Most are great, but out of the 60 or so people I deal with, 3 of them really need to just sell their homes and call it a day.
Some good practical advice here already (around the lease terms and eviction or notice).... you actually get an accelerated notice period for lease violation/unauthorized occupant in many states... So the good news, as mentioned, as this will pass... all tenants, even my 5+year ones are temporary in the end... so you have a chance to learn, move on, get someone new...
Think about the policies and communications around the classic boy/girl friend and unauthorized person lease terms and procedures (from on-boarding through screening and lease signing).....
But if it is really too stressful, look at your scale (is duplex or ten-plex right for you and your work/life balance), your market (the neighborhood --working class or upper class), your team (like a good eviction lawyer or contractor) and see if it is a good fit...
I think anyone can landlord, but some people may be better suited for two units in a middle class area renting to professionals than a working class 10 plex that needs lots of maintenance and tenant communications...
As mentioned, if this the situation is dire (too stressful) after a couple of years and in many situations (not just isolated ones) maybe think about outsourcing management. Or worst case, landlording is often an uncomplicated exit with a For Sale sign (and can even be a profitable exit depending on the market)...
If this is one of your properties in the recently burned areas meaning somewhat close to Sacramento I would call Gary Link he is a true Eviction Machine. I don't work for Gary he is who we use if we need to evict he has done over 40,000 evictions according to his website check him out. We are in Ca a very tenant friendly state. I hope this helps and I was happy to hear that your properties were spared from the recent fires.
@Carol Venolia That sounds like a stessful situation.
There has been a lot of great advice in here already, but I have another thing to add: Make sure you keep in touch with friends and family in these stressful times. It's important to remember you have their support and love. They will help you put everything into perspective :)
@Mike H.@Carol Venolia@Gino Barbaro I agree with Mike H. that it may be time to bring in some help. Check out the E-Myth by Michael Gerber. Let your investments work for you and stop working in them so much. It may be hard to let go at 1st but it's totally worth it once you do.
@Carol Venolia @Jake Stenziano
It is a difficult situation dealing with hard tenants. Now that you know what goes into running a property, maybe you should consider property management. It is a different mindset, land lording versus asset management. Land lording may make you more money in the beginning, but it will not allow you to run your business and expand. I think being emotional is great, it means you care and you got into the business to make money and to provide safe affordable housing to people who can't purchase a home. Give yourself more credit. You're in a terrific albeit tough business sometimes. Every problem offers us opportunities. Be on the lookout, you will find the opportunity!
I'm so sorry.
For whatever it's worth, we screen, screen, screen. We get a credit report (which will show criminal history) and we ask for at least two prior landlords as references. We spend a lot of time on the reference calls, probing the landlords with a lot of questions designed to get them to open up about the prospective tenants (and their friends and relatives). If we get the sense the tenant is a complainer, we drop them. We price our rents at or slightly below market and that means we can afford to be choosy. It also means lower maintenance costs and less turnover.
Don't give up on the property. Real estate is a great investment. And, in my experience, property managers aren't very good at screening tenants. I suggest you get an attorney and evict. Then, for the next tenant, screen, screen, screen.
I'm introverted, though my friends say I'm gregarious and out going. I can be, but generally like to spend time by myself, so I get where you're coming from.
Been a landlord for 3 years now, and I know what you mean. Heck, for me dealing with contractors for repairs has been the worst part, but I try not to let it get to me as I'm working toward a goal. Also, compared to the stuff I deal with in my day job (IT), it's not that bad, and ultimately, I'm in charge, so if a tenant or a contractor is not working out, I invite them to leave within the law in my state.
The contractor who recently replaced my doors was invited to leave mid project, as he was not only clearly disorganized, had piss poor communication skills, and incompetent. Literally he had to call in help because he wasted hours trying to figure out hot to install a deadbolt on the new doors, forgot to take the right measurements, had to go back twice, raised his price a little on the job, and I could go on and on. I had him give me bids for some other jobs but after my bad experience with him and a heated argument, I told him to forget about the other projects and just finish up the doors and be on his way.
It was stressful for me, but what helps balance it is to remember that YOU are in charge. You are the CEO of your own company. There is no manager above you, no share holders, and no risk of being fired. Think about that for a minute. I wish I had that kind of power at work, so I could just remove people who are obviously not working out.
Some things need to be outsourced. If you are a sensitive introvert, evictions (especially of abusive felons) should definitely be on that list of things to outsource!
Find out who is your town's best tough-*** eviction lawyer and pay them to do all of it. Don't even communicate with the tenants (either the real tenant or the interloper) again. Send all communication to the lawyer.
It will be money well spent -- and it doesn't mean you're not cut out to be a landlord, it means you're smart about maintaining your mental health.
It is not for everyone. If you consider yourself sensitive I would recommend spending time on other entrepreneurial ventures. There are many businesses that involve happy and or pleasant interactions with customers. This is not one of them. It is a tough business. There is no shame in outsourcing this to a property management company and using your time for something that makes you happy.
WOW! Y'all are awesome! Really. You've done much more to lift my spirits and clear my head than most of my friends could.
@Michell P., you gave me some great perspective--really put things into place.
@Logan Hicks, I'm taking notes and adding those phrases to my lease! And I like your point about not getting belittled every day.
@Marina Shlomov--yes! Vacation! And I love your idea about saying I work for the landlord.
@Mike Cumbie, you cracked me up. Bourbon AND family! The combo should snap everything into perspective. ;-)
@Marcia Maynard, I FEEL your emotional support! And thanks for referring me to those resources. Yes, I do have a clause about unauthorized occupants, and I just sent a letter enforcing it. I'm also talking with an attorney about eviction support, should that become necessary. I thought I had a good screening process (apparently more thorough than many landlords in the rural area where I operate), but this mess has taught me to be even more thorough.
@Nicole A., you make a lot of great points. It really helps me just to know that you, too, were once "too involved" and agonizing over things--and how you learned to put some stress-reducing distance into the process. It honestly hadn't occurred to me to be less available (except in an emergency). When I first read your statement, "Disconnect emotionally. Run your business like a business," I thought, "But caring is what makes this interesting for me!" But the more I think about it... clearly, the way in which I've been caring has been setting me up for misery over and over. So... yes! Oh, and yes, this non-tenant has directed his anger at me--over nothing. Like I pointed out that as part of his application process he had to provide proof of car insurance, and he blew up at me and threatened to look into the legality of my practices.
@Account Closed, I just might!
@Aly W., funny thing is I do have a mentor, and I'd have folded long ago without his guidance, but he has a tendency to be too trusting and naive, and that's part of how I got into this situation--following his advice. None of us is perfect! And I like your idea of having office hours and putting them in my lease. Somewhere I got the idea (from someone here on BP) that a landlord has to be reachable 24/7. That's just not good for me.
@Mike H., thank you for saying that landlording is for everyone--with help. And I love your "You will definitely get some stupid people that you have to deal with. But you can find ways to minimize the amount of contact you have to have with them when they start to become too big a headache." Also "the one thing that helps keep me moving forward is that it reminds that there's a reason that everybody else isn't doing this." And your 10-years-into-the-future view really helps. Your encouragement and sharing your experiences really helps.
@Scott W., I'm so glad to hear that things come in bunches! I've just had such a bunch that surely my coasting period is coming right up!
@Dawn Brenengen, I guess the votes are still out on whether I'm cut out for this. My mentor says I'm amazingly well-suited to landlording, so I think I just need to learn tricks for separating myself emotionally and taking good care of myself--which I'm learning here!
@Michael Boyer: "accelerated notice period for lease violation/unauthorized occupant in many states"--interesting! I'll look into that. Also, great perspective on what kind of units in what kind of location are right for me. I'll chew on that.
@Stephen Haynes, yeah, I'm about an hour from Sacramento, so I'll check out Gary Link. Thanks for the recommendation!
@Ingrid J., thanks for that great reminder about tapping friends and family for support.
@Joe Bertolino, "If it is eating you up, Outsource it." is great advice!
@Jake Stenziano, I didn't know about The E-Myth--thanks!
@Gino Barbaro, thanks for your thoughts on PMing--and for saying that being emotional is great. I was beating myself up a bit. The opportunity I see is that I'm learning like crazy!
@Zana Blue, I'm sure considering those options.
@Marcel Bryar, thanks for the sympathy! Do you mind sharing the questions you use when you interview prospective tenants? I have the feeling that that's where I really could improve my process.
@Jack B., I hear ya about being introverted and viewed as outgoing! Thanks for sharing your stories about contractors--ow! Fortunately, my partner is a good contractor, so I'm spared a lot of that mess. I'm counting that blessing right now! I really appreciate your reminder to "remember that YOU are in charge. You are the CEO of your own company. There is no manager above you, no share holders, and no risk of being fired." Yesss.
@Jean Bolger, good advice. I think I've been afraid to outsource eviction--or even do it! But sanity must prevail.
@James Wise, I'm definitely evaluating whether landlording is right for me. If I apply some of the stuff I've learned in this thread, I may be able to enjoy it again. I was in a different entrepreneurial area before, and got sick of it. So maybe I need to change what I'm doing, or maybe I need to change how I'm doing it. I'll decide after I catch up on my sleep!
Again, thank you to everyone. I'm so glad I asked. You're the best! BP is the best! :-)