How not to market a property

[Matt Swearingen]

I was looking through the Pittsburgh Real Estate for Sale section and came upon quite possibly the worst attempt at marketing an investment property I have ever seen (profanity ahead). I have removed the links and phone numbers so I'm not "marketing" the property accidentally, I also removed the header, he was asking $42.5K when this was published. Do you guys/gals have examples you could share? I would enjoy reading more like this, if only for amusement.

"I need to sell this building ASAP. I have 60k into the rehab. It has new roof, new electric, new gas, new furnaces , new water heaters, new vinyl siding, 2 units complete and ready to rent. 3 of the other units need flooring and paint. The new flooring is on site. I want to be done with this building. XXX-XXX-XXXX When I say new electric I mean 100% rewired from basement to the 3rd floor all new 12 wire in kitchens and baths all new lighting circuits all new outlets UP TO CODE. All utilities and heating sources are seperate. New rubber roof. New vinyl siding. New laminate floors in 3rd and 2nd floor units. If you do not know what it costs to do something like this or don't appreciate how much work has gone into doing this please do not contact me. If you've never renovated a apartment building in the city of pgh and filed all permits and meant with all inspectors then you do not know what I am talking about. This is a steal at this price you would make you're money back in the first 3 years. Don't be a yuppie when you call me cause you'll just piss me off. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth like most you investors I started with nothing and know what it takes to make something out of nothing I'm 25 I own my own home and 2 apartment buildings have flipped 4 houses not to mention building and selling 5 hot rods. So contact my realtor if you're not on the same page as me thanks. XXX-XXX-XXXX David XXXXX or call me but don't be a dumbass XXX-XXX-XXXX Dave"

This guy has a whole bag of chips on his shoulder. I can't imagine anyone wanting to do business with him after reading this. He's probably behind the eight ball on his loans and just got low offers from ten investors in a row. I called and offered him $20,000 sight unseen on his voice-mail... surprisingly no call back yet, I'm hopeful. I did glean two very important life lessons from this listing:

1. Don't be a yuppie

2. Don't be a dumbass