And then when I go to the XYZ Big Bank website or call their mortgage 1-800 number, I learn that they "do not offer" the program that has their logo all over it in internal documents. 

You just need it towed out of there (probably legally) Or maybe you have a friend that can break in, hotwire and drive it down to the nearest walmart and leave it parked there, then someone else will handle it!

Me and my wife have changed our minds on the home as it's a little far out of town, and the value has risen a considerable amount.My question is, if we manage to sell the home in the first few weeks when we buy it, how easy is it to sell it from a documentation/legal standpoint?

While I'm not an attorney and this is not legal advice.

Realtors here can only legally accept payment of any kind from their broker. 

What about taxes / legal things?

Don't really want to transfer ownership to other persons as that creates all sorts of other problems such as tax implications, insurance implications, legal issues etc.  

Then you manage the property for a year, at which point you should have sufficient documentation for a bank loan, & pay off the seller-financed loan.

(Disclaimer- this is not meant to be legal advice, I'm not an attorney, jotta, jotta, jotta. lol)

So it's possible that without a heating source the home isn't considered legally habitable and you could be required to not charge rent for those days.