I know it's a long shot and likely impossible, but if there's a way, what do you think would be the best bet?

@Alejandro Buse  Of those options, Nanaimo is probably your best bet. 

If nothing else, I bet you could get rid of those closing costs. 

Another thing you can do is adjust your bid so that the ending number doesn't end in 5 or 0, which is where a lot of people naturally go to.

A good REALTOR®, who is not super busy, would be your best bet because they're hungry for deals and being promised both the buy and sale side would be huge for them.

.- Risk Free Rate: when you compare your deal against Rf, this is the risk-free-rate-adjusted return of the deal. 

Buying in SF is a bet that a) "jumbo" loans will return to 2019-levels of availability and b) working from home is going to largely go away once the economy re-opens.For b, your guess is as good as mine.For a, you can track the general ease of availability of jumbo loans at the following link.

I have two tenants that I just served Notice of Non-Renewal to cut off their perpetual MTM lease and I'm betting one of the Ostriches is going to squat. 

@James Luciano Seems like the next best bet is to use the Philadelphia vital records department site.

Local bank is probably your best bet.