I deal with enough new and experienced investors to understand what damage such a silly statement could actually make.

I've been collecting info on direct mail prospect in excel but its a pain in the "tookus" let's cal it to add to that data and then recall only certain line items that match the criteria i'd like to mail to.Hopefully by tinkering around with access I'll be able to build a simple-yet-effective database.A cloud-based CRM/Database would be ideal, huh?

Most of those listing there are probably not going to take much less than market value so it may not be the best for what an investor is trying to achieve (at least, as @Bill Coleman mentioned, it's not ideal here in Denver).  

I would ideally like to find a high LTV lender (wouldn't everyone), 30+ year terms, and 5% or lower rates. 

I paid the lenders' high rates which caused me to paus and really consider how much money, in dollars, each investment needed to make.This was a great experience in terror and inconvenience as I had many of the disputes with bureaucratic credit card companies that others have, dispite being what I believe was the ideal customer/borrower.

Ideally 1st lien + commission + reduced amount for 2nd lien <= contract price. 

Ideally the people who made money on giving this advice should be the ones paying to bail them out.

Ideally you want to live rent free, so any money you earn from a job can go into your investing "war chest".

Ideally, under 90 days, similar square footage, same beds and baths, and in the same neighborhood.

Now that you mention it, it strikes me that these wouldbe ideal if you have an empty rental unit and youdon't want dust to accumulate on hard wood floors.Just set one loose.