We are currently in PA and I can assure you the joke is correct.  

So I could have priced higher, but I liked being assured it was booked when the demand was there. 

Whatever you buy, you need to reasonably assure yourself that you can afford to hold it through the ups and downs, through any reasonable worse case scenario.

I explained my current tax strategy and he assured me there are better strategies available for my business, so I signed up with them to learn this “new” strategy.

It appears that you are doing this backwards from your post and I can assure you it is not the best way to approach investing your money

The tenant assured me that he had the heater on but I called the gas company and they said that the gas has been off since the summer.

Despite all that, we agreed to sign a lease (after credit was approved) and the owner assured us more than once that prior to us moving in, the house will be cleaned and the carpet steamed.

But rest assured that we will always keep you updated on any important developments.

:-)  If you go through with this, make sure the Escrow Company REGULARLY provides you with insurance updates to assure your collateral is protected.  

If you are one of few rentals on the street, assure them that you plan on making sure the house and neighborhood are going to be treated well and you will have strict policies on excessive noise and parking.Invite the neighbors over as you are working on setting up your new place so they can see what the inside looks like and get to know what the status quo of the property should be so they will know when something isn’t right!