I'm not sure how to get in touch with you since Bigger Pockets blocks posts that attempt to share email of contact info. 

I hired to biggest "KID" on the block as a security guard for my vacant house..

Most require you to wait for a quote and Im trying to move faster than all that.Recent Lesson Learned:  If your treating butcher block countertops or wood shelving, consider "waterlox" because it really seals in the wood while maintaining its original authentic appearance. 

The home sits on a 1 acre mostly-flat, square, and mowed block at the end of the street.

It's block by block but plenty of nice blocks exist. 

@Michael Temple I had given some Lease Option, Seller Financing and Sub-To strategies some thought but couldn't get past the road block of 1) Having to put about $40k of MY own money in the place, and 2) How would I get that $40k back out of the deal? 

That would get you just a return filed at H&R block. 

*** Inspection shows some settlement of foundation block in a couple areas and a split floor joist _ Still Sold AS-IS *** HIGHEST AND BEST OFFER DUE BY 5:00 P.M.

Unless you live on that block, grew up in those streets and no who's who and what's what I would stay clear.Fool's errand for most investors.  

Drill through the drywall and screw directly into the blocking.