So I call up their help number where they speak something resembling English, and was told that I had violated one of the parameters.....a host cannot cancel a reservation. 

There is a good deal on the market, Its a  SFH, tenant does not have a lease and the tenant does not speak English.

. $800k can get you some decent row house in DC where you can easily create an English basement that would be great for AirBnB or a long-term tenant.

Here is the advice you should have received from your loan officer: You can't sign with and out of country notary, yes you have to make an appointment weeeekkksss in advance to get in to your embassy if there is a notary in english with a US notary stamp and book.

I told the wife (haven't met the husband and wife said he doesn't speak English) that would not work and I would have to make a new contract with the people who are actually living in the unit. 

I speak Russian fluently and I'm a top producer in Sacramento/Placer area.

I am a nineteen year old college student from Illinois majoring in English education.

I figured it was a lot of legal mumbo/jumbo, but it is fairly plain and understandable English in most cases.I don't doubt you had trouble in Temple/Belton with PM, but what were the issues?

It's easy enough here to find numerous banks within walking distance for currency exchange, most of the folks speak German, English, some Turkish and other languages as well, there are no shortages of things to do/sites to see, dining of local cuisine as well as international restaurants (from American to Australian), and shopping from both major retailers as well as open/local market shopping. 

She had 4 kids herself and she said they learned their English from her kids .