This is not really the most motivated group on the planet.  

Every 2-story home on the planet has this issue, it's not unique to yours.Also, if you can install vents in your bathrooms, that would be a really good idea.  

You add no value by needlessly locking up a property that has already hit the largest buyer's list on the planet.  

It's the cost of living next to some of the most exciting cities on the planet NYC & Philly.  

US treasury bills offer very low rates as they are considered the safest investments on the planet.

Where I would summarize your place right now is just swinging the door open to a universe you only thought had one planet.  

There are so many from Cali and Canada and NY who talk about trying/wanting to build rental portfolios in Chicago because they read cap rates are great on the south side.Here is a Chicagoan wanting to go to Michigan for the same reason.I don't know what/who is telling all these people that the grass is greener somewhere else or that being an out of town landlord is easy, but.....it isn't.

Can someone please tell me I'm on the right planet.

I caught the latest Planet Money episode, which followed the local residents and city finding all of the absentee owners of a block on N.

Interestingly they are amongst the most long-lived animals on the planet.