Please forgive the lengthiness of this post.
My situation isn’t unique, but there are one or two factors that make this situation, in my eyes, impossible.
My father passed three years ago. My husband and I decided to move into the house with my mother and two brothers (31 and 21 years old at the time), because my mother had impossible financial responsibilities and would ultimately lose her house.
My husband had always gotten along with all of my family members. After my father’s death, my mother wanted my 31-year old brother to contribute financially (he paid no rent, nothing toward utilities, nada). My husband and I assumed all responsibilities—mortgage, utilities, food, etc. Before this point, we had come together and decided to do so, the plan being to eventually buy the house, since we were already putting thousands of dollars into staying/living there already. My older brother refused to contribute anything. He eventually moved out a year later. He is not the issue right now.. just providing context.
My husband and I have always had a decent relationship with my 21-year old brother—despite the fact that he wasn’t working, smoked weed on the property (which we have since bought), was at times belligerent, etc. This all changed December 2016 when my husband had a convo with him about saving up money to eventually move out. I was 5-mos pregnant with our first child, and not only did we think that it would be beneficial for my brother to move out (he has never been to college, out on his own, kept a steady job, etc.), but we didn’t want our child exposed to his lifestyle. After said conversation (which was related in a calm, kind, and loving way), my 21-year old brother stopped speaking with us. The relationship has never been the same (over a year later).
In the past three years he worked for only ONE SUMMER—I reiterate that he never payed anything, smoked weed on the property, etc. My mom agreed to let him use her car so that he could make money Uber-ing. My husband and I Iet him use our EZPass. He never even gave us back the money that Uber reimbursed him for tolls (hundreds of dollars). He finally got a good job this past September, but unfortunately had no way to get there. My husband and I decided to buy him a used car to help him get back and forth, and my mother put him on her insurance.
We have spoken to him multiple times about SAVING MONEY to “eventually move out.” He has next to no bills—no car note, no rent, no electric, no water. He really doesn’t understand that we are supporting him—taking care of him. In the past months he has worsened in temperament and action. He has clear anger management problems. It has come to the point where I can’t even talk to him, because he curses us out, is disrespectful, brings weed around my 9-month old son, etc.
He has not shown us any good faith toward eventually moving out. He takes off from work... a lot, won’t work overtime because it’s “too cold.” We haven’t asked for rent, contribution of any kind.
The problem is.. he grew up in this house. He doesn't see that we could have easily helped my mother handle her affairs after my dad passed away and had her move in with us. We considered the whole family in making this decision. He sees this house as HIS house. He is extremely entitled and thinks he is owed everything. It’s always someone else’s fault. It’s almost as if he doesn’t realize that WE own the house now, we’ve been extremely lenient and kind for THREE years.
I don’t know what to do or where to turn. My mother has no idea how to handle this situation. My son is getting bigger and starting to understand more. I don’t want him repeating ‘f-bombs’ that he hears loudly shouted around the house, I don’t want him to be able to smell weed passing him everyday, and honestly.... my husband and I spent our newlywed year, I spent my whole pregnancy... in this extremely stressful situation. My husband is very patient (he actually has helped me with patience concerning my family), but we’ve reached the end of our rope.
Of course selling the house and moving is an option (a good one that we had considered for the past three years, having had so many issues with my siblings). However, it’s not the best financial option for us (especially having invested so much money in the house already—literally hundreds of thousands of dollars). Also, we already sold our home three years ago and sacrificed so much just so my mother and brothers wouldn’t be on the street. Moving here, inheriting debt, and eventually buying this house has never been beneficial to us in any way.
I don’t want this to escalate to anything physical or violent. I want peace and sanity. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
