Letter to Absentee Owner: Proof Read (Try #2)

[Patrick Sullivan]

Hello All,

This is just a second try from the initial proof read under the post "Letter to Absentee Owner: Proof Read"

Tell me whether it looks better than the last and everything and anything you notice that I SHOULD improve about the message (format or content). Here it is:

Hello _____,

I drove by your property at _____ in Leominster. It has potential and the neighborhood does too. I’m interested in making you a cash offer to buy and hope you consider. If you’re about it and you're interested in making a quick pile of cash give me a call, shoot a text or send an email at the contact info provided below.

God Speed,

(Space for Signature)

Patrick Sullivan

Cell: [REMOVED]

Email: [REMOVED]

[Shane Woods]

Hey @Patrick Sullivan,

I promise I'm not beating you up here, but I've seen a LOT of mail over the last 3 years, and here are my honest thoughts.  Let's hug it out before I start, so you don't think I don't like you, or I'm just bashing :)    >-------------0----------------<

First thing that jumps out at me is you saying you drove by.  I didn't read the first discussion...so I don't know, did you drive by?  Or did you send the mail from a list?  One thing I've learned in business, is don't lie in your marketing.  Even a simple lie like "I drove by your property" can come back to bite us. What if they ask you when?  Or if they ask you, what you thought about it...and you haven't seen it yet.  What would you answer?  We want to start the relationship on an honest note, to build trust.

Next, your 2nd sentence contains "has the potential, and the neighborhood does too".    My question is this, the "potential" for what, exactly?  Not a horrible sentence, but you'll need to finish out the thought of what potential the property/neighborhood have.  

Next,  "if you're about it" and "quick pile of cash" most likely will cause the elderly, more mature population to throw your letter in the trash, not taking it seriously.  ESPECIALLY if they're experienced investors.  There's definitely a place for "casual" and some humor in direct mail letters, but we still have to maintain some level of professionalism to make sure folks more mature than we are take us seriously.  

"God Speed" might be a little much unless your marketing is geared toward folks about to lose their house.

Now, one thing I do like is that you included an option to text.  This I haven't seen much yet, but it's DEFINITELY the way to get folks who text in the game faster.

Keep working on it.  You have the right ideas, just the wrong words to convey the ideas. :)