Involving Your Spouse
Rental Property Investor · Tampa, FL · Member since 2017 · 45 posts · 40 votes
I'm sure many of you have been here. YOU are getting into real estate investing and are very passionate about it. You become so passionate about it, you talk about it a LOT. You want your spouse to be passionate about it as well, however, they don't see things like you do. You feel like you "get it" and see things differently (likely attributable to a book like Rich Dad, Poor Dad) and that they would get it too if they just gave real estate a chance. But alas, they want to play it safe and think your wild ideas are dangerous. So obviously having the support of your spouse is very important, especially since it will involve both your finances, positively or negatively. So how does one get their spouse involved and even excited about real estate investing? Just as important, how does one prevent turning them off from real estate investing (i.e. doing it the wrong way)? Thanks for any feedback!
Hey Jason,
I'm going through the same thing. I've been working on it and have made some progress. I don't know what your financial's are like, but I'm getting into REI to have more financial freedom for my family. She said to me "I don't want to get into fights about finances" and I said "Ok. But if we don't do something else to better our financial situation now, we'll be fighting about finances in 5 years when we're in the same place. So I'd rather fight now and do something about it than wait 5 years and still fight about finances when we're in the same spot". Right then I could see the light go off that peaked her interest. Since then I've shown her examples on paper with future projections and multiple exit strategies for her "what if's". I tell her "even if we don't make any cash flow now, in 30 years when our tenants pay off our mortgages we'll have cash flow for our retirement".
My advice to you is start out slow and have it on paper. A good tool to use would be the PDF you can print using the BP calculators @ www.biggerpockets.com/analysis. Show her a deal and plant the seed. Only give her exit strategies to parry her doubts at first. Keep it simple and short at the beginning. I tried to go over my whole strategy and all my exit strategies and future plans in the same initial conversation. Did not go well. Her eyes glazed over after the first min of my 10 min vocal presentation. I think I lost her somewhere between ROI, ARP and BRRRR.
So I've throttled down and she seems to be much more perceptive. I've shown her on paper the numbers of a deal. She sees me reading RE books and reading BP posts and forums every day, doing the webinars on Wed's and showing her analysis for the kind of deals I'm looking for. Answering all her questions, mostly to do with exit strategies or as she would say "what if x happens?". All the while reassuring her that I have our family's best interests in mind and would always do everything in my power to keep our family out of harms way. That investing is all about the numbers and not emotional. And prove to her, with examples on paper, that not only do I know how to do the homework, but that I will do my homework when it's game time.
It's still a work in progress. She's on board with REI now and has offered her help if I need it, but still not totally excited yet. It's still "my project". My next step is getting her Rich Dad Poor Dad on audiobook, so she can listen effortlessly in the car on the way to work.
I hope this helps Jason. I feel your pain. But I really believe if you find the right way to communicate this venture with your wife, she'll be on board. It may be as little as getting her to listen to Rich Dad Poor Dad or trying one property to see how it works, but start small and ask for little in the beginning. There's a lot of horror stories out there about investing. Get educated and be able to ease her worries with that education. I think if you're persistent (in a good way) and can back up the information you share with her, sooner or later she'll come around. Even if it's just in the slightest at first.
Make it happen!
Ray
Hey Jason,
I'm going through the same thing. I've been working on it and have made some progress. I don't know what your financial's are like, but I'm getting into REI to have more financial freedom for my family. She said to me "I don't want to get into fights about finances" and I said "Ok. But if we don't do something else to better our financial situation now, we'll be fighting about finances in 5 years when we're in the same place. So I'd rather fight now and do something about it than wait 5 years and still fight about finances when we're in the same spot". Right then I could see the light go off that peaked her interest. Since then I've shown her examples on paper with future projections and multiple exit strategies for her "what if's". I tell her "even if we don't make any cash flow now, in 30 years when our tenants pay off our mortgages we'll have cash flow for our retirement".
My advice to you is start out slow and have it on paper. A good tool to use would be the PDF you can print using the BP calculators @ www.biggerpockets.com/analysis. Show her a deal and plant the seed. Only give her exit strategies to parry her doubts at first. Keep it simple and short at the beginning. I tried to go over my whole strategy and all my exit strategies and future plans in the same initial conversation. Did not go well. Her eyes glazed over after the first min of my 10 min vocal presentation. I think I lost her somewhere between ROI, ARP and BRRRR.
So I've throttled down and she seems to be much more perceptive. I've shown her on paper the numbers of a deal. She sees me reading RE books and reading BP posts and forums every day, doing the webinars on Wed's and showing her analysis for the kind of deals I'm looking for. Answering all her questions, mostly to do with exit strategies or as she would say "what if x happens?". All the while reassuring her that I have our family's best interests in mind and would always do everything in my power to keep our family out of harms way. That investing is all about the numbers and not emotional. And prove to her, with examples on paper, that not only do I know how to do the homework, but that I will do my homework when it's game time.
It's still a work in progress. She's on board with REI now and has offered her help if I need it, but still not totally excited yet. It's still "my project". My next step is getting her Rich Dad Poor Dad on audiobook, so she can listen effortlessly in the car on the way to work.
I hope this helps Jason. I feel your pain. But I really believe if you find the right way to communicate this venture with your wife, she'll be on board. It may be as little as getting her to listen to Rich Dad Poor Dad or trying one property to see how it works, but start small and ask for little in the beginning. There's a lot of horror stories out there about investing. Get educated and be able to ease her worries with that education. I think if you're persistent (in a good way) and can back up the information you share with her, sooner or later she'll come around. Even if it's just in the slightest at first.
Make it happen!
Ray
Hey Jason,
I hope you're doing well! As a finance major in a finance industry, I read your post and thought "Who doesn't get excited about money!?" but everyone doesn't get excited about money right? SO what I would recommend is discuss with your spouse what gets them excited. What makes them happy, passionate, and glowing from the inside out. The joy of making money isn't for the sake of making money, but the ability to do the things you love with the money that is made! So find out what your spouse LOVES LOVES LOVES. If your spouse loves volunteering, explain how REI can increase your time and money to volunteer. If your spouse loves shopping, explain how REI can increase the time and money to shop. If your spouse loves to travel, explain how REI can provide the flexibility to travel. And then incorporate rewards/benchmarks for every time you make a successful REI and get them on board so not only are you working towards your goal but they're working towards theirs too...
example (they talked about this on BP) : Say your spouse LOVES LOVES LOVES taking vacations/traveling. So you tell your spouse how awesome REI is because it provides schedule flexibility and additional income. The more houses you get, the more cashflow you gain (or should =P) so everytime you close on a property, you two will take a trip. It's a quick way to get someone excited by incorporating their passions into yours.
Hope this helps!
I agree with many of the responses above. Do one deal (maybe with your own money) and show her the magic that owning real estate can have on your net worth. After she sees the first one or two, maybe she will become interested. Also, slowly try to educate her as well. Maybe when you are in the car together, throw on a BP podcast. She'll inherently see the success many of the interviewees have had, hear that Rich Dad, Poor Dad has been mentioned millions of times and decide to pick up the book. Once she reads that, I'm sure her view point will change.
Another thing you could do is reward yourself after accomplishing a goal. If your goal is to purchase a multifamily property this year. Tell your wife that if you successfully purchase a property this year, you will take her and the family on a week long vacation. That will incentivize you to accomplish your goals and hopefully get her on board as well.
Best of luck!
Craig
@Jason Pinkerton, wondering how you ended up proceeding with your spouse on the REI conversations? I'm in early stages of research, and had basically the exact same thoughts you posted about originally when you started this thread and was going to make a similar post asking for suggestions.
To answer everyone's questions, it did not go well and still is tough at times. So, against some members' advice, I did not take it slow and bit off a lot. Not so much more than I can chew, because I handled it, but just more than was reasonable in getting started. Lesson learned? Not exactly. So I learned how much I can handle. I grew a LOT. I learned a TON. All the lessons I learned are cemented in and I will not make those mistakes again. But this is how I am, I take action, I learn and I do 10 times better the next time. My wife knows this, she married me after all. She's the polar opposite. She's slow to decisions, calculates, analyzes, goes back and calculates again, plans, analyzes some more and eventually comes up with the "perfect" plan having gone through all the "what ifs". This is not knocking her, this is who she is (she would be great at analyzing deals).
So, to get to your question, no she's not entirely on board with the whole real estate thing, but she's seen how it has grown me, how I've become more organized, driven, a stronger leader, a better husband, a better father (from all of my self improvement journey, not just real estate...but real estate started it all). She's seen that it's not going away, it's not a fad. She's seen that I have taken real estate and more specifically my homeless veteran initiative to "END veteran homelessness, period" on as my life's purpose. She doesn't like hearing all the details of real estate (ironic for a detail oriented person...just not her thing). What I have learned through much trial and error is that she has to warm up to it. I exploded from the beginning and from her perspective, kind of shoved it down her throat. I was so passionate about, but she wasn't.
If I could do it over again, I'd probably do the same amount of real estate (it pushed me) but I would have approached it with her differently. I could have "packaged" it better for her in a more presentable fashion with spreadsheets, PDFs, etc. If only there was a website that gives you all that...whoops. But now that I am providing us with additional income, she can quit her job and go back to school full time to chase her passions, which I was a very strong advocate for. There's another point right there, if you are bringing in the extra income, don't highlight it too much. For a strong independent woman, she took that as "you need me" and it did not go over well, despite NOT being how I meant it.
Real estate is no different than any other disagreement in marriage. It has a huge effect (negative or positive or both) on your finances, which is one of the core tenants of disagreement in marriages. So treat it as such, a delicate subject and put some thought into HOW it will be received by your spouse, NOT how you mean it. If you love them, you'll want to ensure you're speaking their language so it is well received and not huff and puff saying "why don't you get it?"
I hope this helps. I'm sure the older and wiser men and women in the forum can agree. If not, I'd genuinely love to hear why or why not.
To answer everyone's questions, it did not go well and still is tough at times. So, against some members' advice, I did not take it slow and bit off a lot. Not so much more than I can chew, because I handled it, but just more than was reasonable in getting started. Lesson learned? Not exactly. So I learned how much I can handle. I grew a LOT. I learned a TON. All the lessons I learned are cemented in and I will not make those mistakes again. But this is how I am, I take action, I learn and I do 10 times better the next time. My wife knows this, she married me after all. She's the polar opposite. She's slow to decisions, calculates, analyzes, goes back and calculates again, plans, analyzes some more and eventually comes up with the "perfect" plan having gone through all the "what ifs". This is not knocking her, this is who she is (she would be great at analyzing deals).
So, to get to your question, no she's not entirely on board with the whole real estate thing, but she's seen how it has grown me, how I've become more organized, driven, a stronger leader, a better husband, a better father (from all of my self improvement journey, not just real estate...but real estate started it all). She's seen that it's not going away, it's not a fad. She's seen that I have taken real estate and more specifically my homeless veteran initiative to "END veteran homelessness, period" on as my life's purpose. She doesn't like hearing all the details of real estate (ironic for a detail oriented person...just not her thing). What I have learned through much trial and error is that she has to warm up to it. I exploded from the beginning and from her perspective, kind of shoved it down her throat. I was so passionate about, but she wasn't.
If I could do it over again, I'd probably do the same amount of real estate (it pushed me) but I would have approached it with her differently. I could have "packaged" it better for her in a more presentable fashion with spreadsheets, PDFs, etc. If only there was a website that gives you all that...whoops. But now that I am providing us with additional income, she can quit her job and go back to school full time to chase her passions, which I was a very strong advocate for. There's another point right there, if you are bringing in the extra income, don't highlight it too much. For a strong independent woman, she took that as "you need me" and it did not go over well, despite NOT being how I meant it.
Real estate is no different than any other disagreement in marriage. It has a huge effect (negative or positive or both) on your finances, which is one of the core tenants of disagreement in marriages. So treat it as such, a delicate subject and put some thought into HOW it will be received by your spouse, NOT how you mean it. If you love them, you'll want to ensure you're speaking their language so it is well received and not huff and puff saying "why don't you get it?"
I hope this helps. I'm sure the older and wiser men and women in the forum can agree. If not, I'd genuinely love to hear why or why not.
So it sounds like you went out and bought some property? Did she know you were buying it? lol If you bought something and she was able to quit her job because of it, I'd say you did pretty good. The only way to really learn is by actually doing it. You can read all the books you want, but there's nothing like hands on experience. I'm sure she'll eventually come around. My wife was so stressed about it in the beginning with all the "what ifs", then she realized she didn't really have to do anything and that I would handle it. Sometimes I think she forgets we even have the rental properties. lol
Good luck with it. Don't bother her with the details...it's boring to people who aren't interested in it. As time goes on I'm sure she'll either hop on board or just stop caring enough and let you do what you want with RE.
@Chris Szepessy, yes she knew I was buying the properties and she did warn "I think you're taking too much on at once" and I ignored it and endured the pain. But out of that pain came many many valuable lessons. Counter to Bigger Pockets mantra of free real estate investment education and being against paid REI training, I did buy some REI programs, specifically Robert Kiyosaki's REI training program and Lance Edwards' Big Money in Small Apartments training program. I spent a significant amount of money on them and my wife was against it. However, both of those programs gave me many tools and more importantly systems to put into place to turn my business into a business. With that, I started paying it forward. I now "hire" apprentices versus employees and teach them what I know as they work within my business. They get first hand practice using and improving my systems, weekly mentoring video calls, and when they're ready I help them develop their own business. I may have had to pay for a mentor--which I only did after a couple mentors fell through--but I can pay it forward for others. My wife sees this and sees how I am not only helping other budding real estate investors, but also helping the homeless by working with local organizations to bring housing opportunities for homeless veterans. When she hears me talk about that, she can't help but want to help. When I connect my real estate passion with helping others and tell her stories of the little girls who said all they want for Christmas is a home to live in she cried (this happened yesterday).
I say all this is because I was trying to make her see real estate through my eyes. When I figured out what would make her want to help (which I stumbled upon, wasn't seeking it) it changed everything. She saw this not as a way to make money or just one of my crazy projects but a way to help humanity, even if on a small scale initially (I still have huge goals in that area). So, I would say you have to look at it through your spouse's point of view, not your own. How can you connect REI with their passions? It doesn't have to be some humanitarian thing either. If your spouse loves purses or traveling or a new truck, whatever it is, connect REI with it. Show them how it will help them. Keep it simple at first and set realistic expectations--saying we'll be financially free in one year is a bit overkill unless you are a freaking amazing rock star and have an incredible mentor. So, that's what I recommend and where I'm at right now. Hope this helps someone.
I can sort of understand her being upset with you spending money on the guru training only because I've seen what they can cost. I don't know what you spent, but if you are one of the few who put the knowledge to work and you're making money, then it was worth it. Give it some time and once the ball gets moving and you get more comfortable with RE, she should too...even if she isn't "hands on" in the business.
Scott, you're absolutely right and that applies to everything in almost every couple. Something about significant others make us not trust their logic. I don't know the rationality behind it, and I do it to her as well all the time, though I have been mindful of it and trying to improve. I cannot count the number of times either of us have told the other something and we ignored it but then a friend or even a stranger says the same thing and it's gold. In the past this frustrated me, but now I just know it's part of the equation. So, when she has that "epiphany" instead of just saying I told you so, I just listen and don't reply with any snarky comments. After she finishes, she kind of smiles and says "I know you told me this but, I guess it just made more sense coming form someone else" or something like that. As long as we come to an agreement, it doesn't really matter who convinced her of it. Me wanting it to my "supreme wisdom" that convinced her is just pure ego. Knowing that allows me to let my guard down a little more and improve our marriage versus tearing it apart. And as my marriage continues to improve, so does my business. Because with my wife against my business decisions, it makes them one thousand times more difficult to make which causes stress and anxiety which makes me a much less efficient leader which leads to more poor decisions and worse leadership and the downward spiral continues. So having her support, even if reserved and cautious means the world and makes or breaks my business.