Am I too Soft? How to: harden your skin

[Alexander Ball]

Hi BP members,

I am in the process of selling my house.  Just yesterday I had a sale guy come out to give me an estimate on some work.  I found the gentleman quite offensive (racist, sexist, homophobic) and the product was far outside of my budget.

Even still, I had such a strong compulsion to pay more, to help this guy out.  He drove out to my place, he's trying to make a sale, and maybe I should just sign the contract for the estimate he gave.  Even for someone who I had a strong personal distaste for, I often find myself just trying to make everyone happy.

I am not afraid of conflict, I used to compete in martial arts, I debate, I say my piece, I stand up for myself at work -- however I just want people to be happy.

How do you get better at telling people no?  Is it a learned skill like anything else, or is there a particular mindset you get yourself into when you need to disappoint someone?

[Jerome Harrod II]

To get better at saying No: 

Be direct, give a short reason, but show kind appreciation, and lead to the next thought or dismissal. It helps to have a go to phrase.

Ex. "No thanks, but try me next time." OR "No thanks, I don't think we're a great fit, but I'll keep you in mind for the future."
If they push with their own reasoning, "That may be true, but I'm nicely saying No. "
If they ask for your reasoning, "I'd prefer to not get into it, I'm kindly saying No. Is there anything else you need from me?"
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My Speech About wanting to help people and make them happy:

Don't confuse wanting to make people happy with wanting to be helpful. It's good to want to help others and make them happy, It shows you have a heart, but recognize that those are completely different unlimited desires based on your limited resources of money, time, and energy. It's all about balance. Respect yourself and others will respect your help. 

Personally, What helped me is establishing emotional boundaries, learning the difference between helping to carry a person's burden VS being forced into carrying their load. 

A person's "Burden" is like a big rock of misfortune that life thrown at them and told them to carry that weight many times without choice.  (Ex. Eviction due to being laid off from company downsizing.)

A person's "Load" is like a "School Backpack" that they themselves pack, sometimes too heavy but they carry that weight by choice. (Ex. Eviction due to being fired for lazy job performance.) What's in their backpack are textbooks for the class called "Life lessons" taught in the school of hardknocks. 

In Business, most times you are dealing with people carrying a "Load". 

Acknowledge that what that sales guy went through to make that sale with you was his "Load" in his job as a salesman. He knew the risks, the distance traveled, his pitch, and 9 times out of 10 you are not his first No. He'll only be happy with Yes, but! You can Be helpful and get him moving on to his next client by telling him No.

Everyone is responsible for carrying their own loads or decisions in life, but burdens or misfortunes are placed to teach character, compassion, and humility. Help those who are willing to help themselves the best they can, else you are outright weakening people and robbing them of their lessons and growth.