Tiffany gets served notice, thinks she deserves better.

[Jim K.]

I canceled Tiffany's month-by-month lease by certified mail yesterday, posted the 30-day notice to quit on her door today.

So I get the inevitable call: "WHY ARE YOU EVICTING ME?"

Well, first of all, your lease was over last September, your rent is somewhere around 66% of market rate right now, if I renovate I stand to gain at least an additional $400 NOI above-and-beyond what you pay, and then of course, there's always the facts that YOU'RE A DRUG ADDICT, THE COPS TOLD ME TO GET RID OF YOU, AND YOUR BOYFRIEND SKIPPED OUT OWING ME TWO MONTHS RENT.

"Sniff. Sniff. So when do I have to get out by?"

Well, if you're not out by the end of November, I'll file an eviction, and we'll have a hearing in December.

"Oh, great gift for the holidays!"

(She almost kills herself in my building, she sells her prescribed antidepressants to other users, she's an infected ulcer on the buttcrack of society, but in Tiffany's mind, when Christmas comes around SHE DESERVES A GIFT. Arrested development in junkies at its finest.)