Husband and wife business partners, can there be true harmony?

Question

Hello BP. As you can very well see by my profile and the discussion topic I've posted here, I am a spanking new member. The discussion I'm going to attempt to induce is one that I'm certain comes as no surprise to many of you. In fact, I suspect that it may very well already be an existing topic somewhere here in BP world and I just haven't searched well enough for it. In any event, I will state my claim and if anyone should feel like participating with some feedback, or refer me to an existing forum or post, I'd greatly appreciate either.

I'll begin by first establishing that my fiance and I have a very healthy relationship. Although we have had many our fair share of occasions where we simply had to agree to disagree on various issues, we always find some middle ground. Secondly, after 2+ years of "talking about flipping houses"we have finally decided to purchase a property in the next few months.

The issue regarding harmony, or the seeming (and hopefully temporary) lack thereof, came about when we began to define our criteria for our first deal. I became aware that she has some pretty romantic ideas about our joint venture and seems to be somewhat more emotionally invested. I, on the other hand believe my perspective is much more strategically calculated and financially analytical. What prompts me to believe we have somewhat different concepts is that she recently stated, "I feel like this whole thing is just about the money to you. You seem to want to contract everything out and get in and out as quickly as possible. What about us working together with our hands?"

Apparently she was under the impression that our first purchase would be this beautiful single family Victorian we were going to hold and restore to historical grandeur. Meanwhile I was thinking all along to kick things off with a 2-4 family unit with enough cash flow to help keep the wheels in the machine turning. I'll spare you the rest of the details because I've written more than I intended already, so I'll spare you.

My point was meant to provide a little background or context for this question: What are some business tips or advisories you could offer a couple that assume the inherent differences between us and a strictly professional partnership?

Matthew F. · Answer

I'm not an expert in real estate but I do have 4 years under my belt running a business with a family member. My experience is that even working with someone you care very much about and have know for a very long time, differences in temperament, work ethic and personality etc, can and will cause you to lock horns at some point. Even if you tell yourself and your partner that you will be keeping things "strictly business", in reality personal matters will sometimes leak into business and vice-versa.

I truly believe that you wont be able to find out how the dynamic will go between you two until you try working together. My two recommendations:

First: Communication. Talk about Communicating. Agree to communicate. Communicate your intent to further communicate. Not communicating can be toxic to both your project, and again can bleed into personal relationships.

Two: Pick a starter project that is as small scale as possible. Don't risk your life savings on a big project without knowing you can work together in a healthy manner first. Communicate that this project might fail, it might even fail because you have different approaches to accomplishing what needs to be done, not because of the deal itself. Why spend $300,000 for an Ivy League education in "working with relatives" when you could get the same info for $3,000 at your local community college.

I'm not trying to dissuade you, working with people you care about can be incredibly rewarding. Just make sure you have your head facing in the right direction when you take the plunge. Good Luck!

Joe Rodriguez · Answer

I want to express my appreciation for all of your comments and insight. A few of you asked some questions I'd like to respond to. I'll begin with Lynn. Grace is absolutely very hands on. In fact, her tenacious DIY demeanor is just one of the many things I admire about her. When she sets her sights on a project, she works. She is also phenomenal at landscaping and building awesome gardens, stone walls and rock water features. With the exception of her amazing rockscaping, I would say that we're both at similar skill levels in departments such as renovating and repairing kitchens, bathrooms, cabinets, doors, floors, windows, wood stoves, etc.

Steve: I agree with you 100%. Fortunately we will definitely be putting in sweat equity side by side, so there'll be no resentments on that note. With regards to your last comment, I'm with you on that point as well.

Neil and Matthew, what can I say? You guys make irrefutably valid points,which I happen to agree with wholeheartedly. Once again, thank you all so much for your help.

Lynn Harrison · Answer

Is she "hands on"? Is she willing to do some construction work that would justify the cost of materials? Have you done that sort of work before? If one or both of you don't have the experience I would highly recommend starting very small and keeping track of the time it takes. Even if you just break even it will be practice for your relationship and you may grow closer.

Another thing that might be helpful is if she can do the math herself on the deal and research material prices and sale prices. Add in the other expenses as she goes. Add another 15% for extra time with inexperience. I understand wanting to create something of aesthetic value, but if she understands some materials might mean she is working for $5 an hour or less she may compromise.

I worked on 2 projects with my late partner. We found we had VERY different ways of working and very different reasons for working on it. We could rarely work on a project together but we worked well side by side or step by step- each taking a step. He would measure, cut and lay one day, the next I would apply or screw in etc. He usually made the cuts as he was more concerned about perfection. We discussed everything but really, I picked most colors and wall textures, he picked plumbing supplies and windows etc. Certain things he taught me, like minor jacking and leveling wall framing and trusted I would do it exactly, which I did. It's all about compromise when you can and when you can't compromise- negotiate who will do what and how.

I was the one who did all the math and yes, it was annoying. But he understood the process a lot better after sitting down with all the figures. It really helped.

Most importantly, if you can work with each other on this it will build trust. I think it is hard for most women to understand what men typically do and likewise for men to understand what women do. If she can Jack a wall and scrape a floor and you can do the dishes or vacuum once in a while before you rush to an appointment you will really understand each other better and build trust. It will work if you are both interested in working for "us" rather than "me". You will find out what your relationship is really all about the first time you install a problem toilet together, lol.

Mark Nolan · Answer

@Joe Rodriguez

Welcome to Bigger Pockets community. Be sure to check out “Learn” for all kinds of useful resources and free how to guides.

Steve Vaughan · Answer

Sounds like the Yancey's on flipping Vegas!  She's always trying to put marble in a working-class neighborhood.  Sure enough, by the time the cork pops, all is well and that extra $15k just sold the house faster for more money!

In reality, expectations are key.  My wife and I can barely agree how to update a small apartment.  She also isn't there when I am removing the old tile I thought was fine & busting my knuckles.    Will your wife/fiance be there working with you?  Resentments can build if not, especially if the work wasn't your idea.  Lastly - be married before you put a place in both of your names.  There is no almost-married, split property in half fairly court:)

Neal Collins · Answer

Sounds suspiciously similar to my personal life but fortunately we've gotten through that initial phase. What I found was that those two perspectives are going to be like ying and yang. They are opposite but go together.

She's going to learn a lot during the construction phase and will get to learn to rein it in when your costs just keep getting higher. You'll probably also find that her perspective is really beneficial as well. Real estate is underpinned by finance, but at the end of the day you're going to want your project to look great and appeal to homebuyers just like herself.

Then, if you are really lucky, your finance is going to kick ass and hit her stride bringing deals together. All a learning process!

Husband and wife business partners, can there be true harmony?

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