The kitchen is the worst though... wood paneling, ugly colored door and window frame paint, some 70s-style laminate sheet type of floor that's peeling at the edges, etc.

If it's heavy texture be prepared to answer questions about water damage as if you were covering up stains.If it were summer, I'd trim the box hedge lower and put some colorful flowers on the porch.

Maybe add some colorful artwork or decor.  

I can't even find the contact paper of the same color...Maybe Jon's suggestion of 1/4"oak plywood, or even an oak veneer might work.

I give them a copy of my 30 or so page business plan spirally bound at Kinko's with a color cover.

They have a new fake cherry color that looks good.

Welcome to BP Daniel,I haven't dealt with those smells, but my first rehab was a smoker that had live in the prop for 14 years, the white melamine cabinets are now a beautiful uniform beige color haha.To clean the grease off I would look for something called "purple power" or "greased lightning".

You might consider loose lay flooring like Karndean, very easy to work with(no gluing required) also have a lot of options for colors and styles.

I had flash backs of the 90's... boyz 2 men, color me badd, c&c music factory, etc...WORD UP!

They're just the SMPTE color bars used for video equipment calibration.