Also public crime stats are a good objective measure that could help in your evaluation.  

I have also had appraisers' square footage measurements be off by 40%+ of what the county records say, as well as other discrepancies that could affect the value or saleability. 

If your planning on waiting, lol, that will be measured in decades, literally. 

Your the only one who is measuring and defining success.

If the buyer comes back after and asks to come in to "measure for curtains", "have a cousin come check the pool filter", "sleep in a tent in the back yard for a night" the answer is "NO".

Suffice to say, the only way that I feel like my life can actually continue in any sort of measurable capacity is if I get out of this house and mortgage.

Again, lots of variables apply and these guidelines have plenty of exceptions (especially renovation which can reset the class), hence my previous assertion that it's a subjective measurement.

I measured and created my own as-builts for temporary reference until a drafter can come in and do more professional ones.  

The cash on cash measures cash return as a percentage of cash invested (or your equity you've actively invested in the deal), not the equity you've built up in the deal through appreciation and principal paydown. 

I admire your security measures but we have to be realistic.