This monstrosity has no way that I can find to contact it to find out if there is anything I can do to expedite this or to even find out if my account fell into a black hole. 

If you send a colleague request I can send you her contact info.

I won't spill his contact info in public, but I'll happily share with you: Just message me here on BP!

What I would do, in your shoes, is take @Aaron Klatt's suggestion of contacting a PM. 

I am in the exact same boat and was thinking of contacting a real estate lawyer for advice.

@Dale Orcutt sending a contact to your inbox

If you have or if you know of a lender that will place a HELOC on a rental, please respond with a contact so I as well as others within this group would be able to give that lender a call. 

The pm contact is currently with the PM company and the seller so have them sort it out before closing and find your own PM for the property

PM me for his contact info.

I am pretty disappointed with all my contractors right now, but I will send you contact info for a contractor with whom we had a good experience a few years ago.