The guy that used to take people on their Houston quit Dustin and now has a facebook page, Tax Liens & Deeds and Beyond.

Since you are taking on additional liability having tenants in place, you're probably going to want to update your insurance policy and put some sort of asset protection in place - most people use an LLC for a small portfolio.

If I need to undergo a colonoscopy to determine if a lender makes a 30 year loan to people with an 815 FICO at 85% LTV with an in place tenant and monthly income of $1400 with a market value of $125,000, or if you can't tell me any interest rate info until I submit my tax returns to you...

I am just beginning my real estate journey and I'd love to get to know new people who have been at this for a while.

Infinite return.I have systems in place and people to deal with issues. 

Negative cash flow is not something I’d be okay with, but I know there are some instances where people are okay with taking a small hit for a big pay off with the appreciation (and hopes that the rent will go up).

In Louisiana, this process is typically much more lax and I know several people who have succeeded in having homestead exemptions on several properties at once (no idea whether it's legal). 

I guess what I'm looking for is a legal loan shark, do people like this exist?

Hello Damon,It's great to see Local (and Surrounding) people from H-Town in here.   

A lot of people do this professionally, but make sure you vet the operator if you're considering it.