Updating Bathrooms and turning sitting rooms into bedrooms.

With that being said, there isn't other nearby comps (it's the only multi unit in this subdivision of single family homes that's sitting on 2 acres which is a lot of land for the area. )Typically all the multi units around go for cash offers and don't require appraisals but ill see what the appraisal comes back at next week.

I have the reserves to sit in this thing for over a year + all of my expenses as a human, but I want to move into one room and rent the others out for ~$500/month as they do in it's market. 

An experienced agent and lender that sit in that niche will provide you a ton of education, and then help you plot out a map for the road ahead. 

They sit on 2 different lots but also share the same wall on the enclosed back porch.

We have at least 6 police reports filed and video of them running away when they saw me sitting on the front step.

You hypothetically have 100k cash sitting around.

A 650 credit score doesn't usually happen because a person has $ sitting in the bank.

The home sits on a 1 acre mostly-flat, square, and mowed block at the end of the street.

However, I do indeed have checkbook control of that account, and I suppose the funds sit there without any interference from them.