We have mortgages on all properties and have pretty much exhausted all our buying power.  

It shouldn't take more than an hour or two at the most.

A $2k rental will have a nicer fridge than a $1200 rental, which will be nicer than an $850 rental.My rentals include fridge, mounted microwave, and dishwasher. 

Don't you think we'd have a lot of hate mail if people were getting screwed, rather than an A+ rating on BBB?

Its exhausting.....6.

Many investors use a general rule of thumb for midterm rentals that they should earn about 50% more in rents than an equivalent long-term rental (whereas short-term rentals should earn double or 100% more than if the property was utilized as a long-term rental).However, for DSCR lenders, change can be slow and challenging, and many lenders prefer and require more precise qualification measures than rules of thumb.

It would be less than an hour if I rented one of those small back hoes, but I have more time than I really need these days and I think it grounds me to get into physical labor sometimes.

Keep in mind that many hard money lenders may prefer lending to an LLC rather than an individual, so it's wise to interview several hard money lenders.

They oscillate and tire themselves out and ultimately splitting hairs to the point they are exhausted before their journey even begins. 

It should be a little quicker than an eviction because you don't have to worry about a tenant hanging in there until forcibly removed.