I also have zero interest in positioning ourselves as a “value” offering in an industry where top performers can 2x + the cheaper companies. 

Hi Kayla,If the seller accepts your offer then the offer is contingent.

What are other rentals near your area offering in terns of finishes on the bathroom?

There is "delayed financing" options where you can do this but its usually not same-day.However, what you are looking for is probably a hard money lender that does not require appraisals - this allows quick closes and functionally the same as cash offers (and pretty much what you appear to be looking for)

Also, the seller not offering any sort of commission either.

Once you figure out pricing for weekdays, you can also start offering those additional weeknights to your weekend guests for a discounted rate.

There's plenty of great and smart people on here and in our local area that can offer advice, but I would offer two things:1.  

Continue exploring various strategies to optimize your purchasing power and minimize upfront costs.Using an FHA or VA loan for MFH acquisition can indeed be advantageous, offering lower down payments and favorable terms.

Could long distance investing fit into your time and energy resources?

TIA Carol, will send you a PM about some programs we could offer.