You're looking for that magical 2% number.

Sorry, no magic here.

Magically the same day that I placed my offer there was a 2nd offer.

Or will a skilled finished carpenter able to do some magic?

"The realtor didn't just magically get the key. 

Schedule your eviction the day before trash day , put it at the curb , when the trash men come , smile , grease his palm and watch the stuff magically vanish . 

I think the magic number is something like 40-50 properties last time I checked where it begins to make economic sense.

We prepare a move-in gift package that includes cleaning supplies (degreaser, carpet spot cleaner, vinegar, baking soda, magic eraser, disinfectant wipes), cutting board, plunger, hand soap, dish soap, paper towels, and toilet paper, presented in a cleaning bucket and reusable shopping bag. ($30)  At move-in we also loan the tenant the use of drop cloth runners (to protect the flooring on move-in day), furniture moving blankets, furniture sliders, furniture lifting straps, a step stool, and a picture hanging tool kit (with small hammer and picture hooks). 

I understand - there's many layers of the situation, and I'm not looking at booting this guy as the magic bullet that fixes all our problems.But the real estate part of this is: If husband/wife are jointly listed on a mortgage, but disagree on whether a tenant should stay ... can one party press the eviction process without the other's consent?

I would never buy a property with all cash, it takes some of the magic out of real estate investing.