But the ice cream, maple syrup, coffee, and cheese are also top shelf.

Maybe a Check-E-Cheese event?

He is not poverty stricken, so there is absolutely no free government cheese for me.  

My bank can refinance at 70% of appraised value, so at $70k less closing cost, I'll have enough coin to take the kids to Chucky Cheeses (if it ever opens) and have an income producing asset for ZERO out of pocket cost.

Also DCR, or why to look at the 10yr treasure when you sign an LOI to buy and right before closing because the trailing 12 looked like swiss cheese after shredding the proforma without looking at it.

That doesn't mean you can't have a cheese burger once a month, but it means that you don't drink four glasses of milk a day. 

I paid $8 for a bagel with steak and cheese one morning.

Built those arm muscles up and your thighs, tell that child to go an a damn diet... lift her up and start running from that lion.. or better yet.. take a stick  and beat the living crap out of that lion with it and say to hell with you.

Let's say you're  traded a package of American processed cheese product paid for out of your food stamp allowance for someone else's Powerball ticket.

I also grew up on food stamps and every other sort of government cheese, but my parents always instilled in me to work hard and appreciate what I have.