Just in my circles I know a lot of restaurant owners,  contractors, bar tenders and hair dressers that I am sure are near the poverty line on their tax returns but are no where close to it in real life. 

Under 2m is where we're focused - so just a hair under 50m :)  That limits inventory quite a bit so we may end up widening the 10 hour circle, we'll see. 

However for some reason I decided to comb through the city oridinance out of boredom, and found that there's actually a code that states SFH's are to be registered/renewed annually at $25.

Underwriters comb through the settlement statement AND require your bank statement or HELOC or accounts where the funds were wired from, and proof that the same wire went to title. 

What's it take to clear hair from a clogged drain?  

Way better deals than the MLS I might add, but they always come with lots of hair on them.

You would need the right style house where both units have acceptable interior egress without getting into each others hair or you are really talking about a roommate in which case you will need to drop rent and might not like the lack of privacy for you and your wife. 

How do I fix this and who do I call (not Ghostbusters...)I remember a shopping plaza I drove through once where there was a bargain hair cutting place and a high end salon.  

For both USDA and SBA loans, add about 45-60 days on top of whatever you’d expect for normal financing (30-45 days) because there’s some paperwork and general hair of them.

As the buyer, I'd want them gone, fix the place, raise it to just below market, & screen applicants with a fine-tooth comb (POSSIBLY have the place just a tad under market -- that lets you be a bit pickier about who you let move in, vs taking the first warm body that has the $).For me, MySmartMove has been really, really useful for screening.