All Forum Posts by: Matthew S.

Theresa and Nicole, thanks for the good advice.

Theresa, my dad is very attached to his home, having lived there 30 years, and I do not think that he is going to be willing to move even temporarily.

Indeed, he should meet people locally via the normal channels. Of course his lack of confidence and difficulty getting emotionally close to normal people doesn't help with that.

Athena, I agree this is likely to just get worse unless action is taken. It is pretty obvious that he is being lied to and used, although that awareness has yet to fully dawn on him. 

@Athena Pettway, when you say "the paperwork" ready, what paper work are you referring to?

Ramon, she did sign a lease, but my dad is not happy with the situation. As noted in earlier messages, the lease has a get-out clause - can be cancelled by either side with 30 days notice anytime during the first 3 months. There doesn't have to be a reason. So my dad still has that option until December 31.

Sean, good advice thank you. My dad and I will not get estranged due to this; we have had a good relationship for a very long time. It is just a matter of how to support him while not taking over or directing him.

Catherine, it is a legal spa I'm pretty sure. But I'll keep that possibility in mind. In any case, it is definitely a business that is breaking the law either by being negligent or by directly and purposefully hiring illegals. So I do have options if I want to expose the business or this woman.

Shanequa, my dad is now more aware of the problem both in terms of her lying on the lease application and in terms of her violating her tourist visa to work illegally. He is more ambivalent about the whole situation. He has been conservative for a long time and will not suddenly change that within a matter of weeks.

Pan,

What happens if you call immigration? Do agents actually come out to give someone notice, or even to physically remove them? I have never dealt with a case like this before. Interested if you have.

I discussed this with my dad and, even though he is in principle against immigration illegally, he would feel guilty in this case reporting her. Again he is being made to feel as if he owes this person everything despite only knowing her a matter of weeks. She is also using the cute 10-year old son as an anchor to make him feel responsible.

Percy, thank you, very useful information. Did not know this. Will share it with my father. Percy N.

Percy,

Thank you for the advice. Yes, this business (a massage parlor / spa) is breaking the law by employing this woman and paying her under the table. She has been here 4 months (6 months is the limit) on the current tourist visa and has been working illegally almost that whole time. 

And yes thanks I have already spoken to my dad about not cosigning anything related to financial support for her education, nor paying for it directly (by the way Percy, can you elaborate on exactly what you mean about "he will pay if she gets any kind of support" - does this mean cosigning or guaranteeing student loans or living expsenses?). 

My attitude is, you can't just walk into our family in a matter of weeks and try to get one of us to take over responsibility for your family and finances. That is not gonna happen. Our family goes back a long way; trust and commitment have to be earned. Other people might judge me for that, but I don't care.

Brandon, thank you for the advice. My little sister and myself both see this woman as a gold digger writ large. This might be old-fashioned but in our view, it takes a realistic length of time - at least several months or even a few years - to know someone really well and make a commitment to them based on real trust. That isn't what is happening here in just 3 weeks. I will talk to my dad soon and see what he wants to do.

It's challenging, I have to try to take a line of being supportive with my dad and not letting him be hurt, but also not controlling and telling him what to do. Difficult balance.

I think things will be ok. I spoke to my dad at length yesterday and today; discussing all the motivations behind what this woman has done in just a few weeks, he found our discussion helpful and he has told the woman he is definitely not marrying her in the near future. This really upset her and she continues to complain and moan about it at the house- not really the way to get someone to marry you or to demonstrate thematurity and patience one wants in a long-term partner. I think the more this goes on, the more my dad will gradually see she is not a good long term choice, hopefully. Now the question is how to deal with the lease and the fact this woman is still living in the house.

Rebecca, my dad could terminate the lease for any reason by December 31. The lease included a provision for either side to get out for any reason or none - with at least 30 days notice - in the first 3 months.

Sai, an attractive lady's greed is not going to win when my dad does not even want to marry her. And love doesn't develop in 3 weeks.

Jacob, thanks for your astute advice.

Ludmila, you are making a very good point. My dad now knows she is breaking the law by working on a tourist visa. Knowing that, he does indeed have certain obligations legally. I have already pointed this out to him. If worst came to worst, I could even report her and her employer to the INS myself. I may do this in time... No, my dad cannot move in with me. He has his own house and is settled there. I live in a separate four bedroom house where I rent out 3 of the 4 rooms to others already.

Jeanette, am not attacking anyone personally, just standing up for my positions toward those making certain (in my view mistaken) assumptions. I wouldn't read too much about intent into text posts - The tone and context of communications is lost over the internet. But having said this, your advice is helpful, so thank you.

Aaron et al, my dad was repeatedly diagnosed with serious "mental illness" - not that I believe much in the usefulness of that term - and subjected to ECT, heavy drugging, forced hospitalization, etc. He is unfortunately quite emotionally vulnerable and sometimes lacking in judgment. That is why I have responded as I have when others make mistaken assumptions about my father. I know him well, and things are difficult for him in relationships.

Todd, I have already tried to explain that my father has problems with judgment and standing up for himself. Financially, I care because my father and I previously worked in a business together and we are a close knit family who had mutually planned to keep our assets in the family. Having someone move in to a business arrangement (a lease) and then try to get a family member to marry and take over custody of their child after knowing them for only 3 weeks is disturbing. It seems like no one else has had that experience, because presumably most people don't ask you or your family member to marry them and take over custody of their kid after knowing a person for 3 weeks...

Manuel, Since you do not know me or my dad, I wouldn't make assumptions. My dad is not comfortable with the situation; that is why he opened up to me about it and asked for my input. If he were good with the situation, I wouldn't know about it or be posting here. ..He is, unfortunately, after multiple mental and physical health challenges, quite emotionally vulnerable. And my dad is Republican and he does not support illegal immigration.

Jesse, thank you. This is what I have already suggested to my dad. He still has until December 31 if he wants to give 30 day notice. The main problem, as Mike said, is emotional not legal or contractual. My dad is emotionally vulnerable and feels guilt about this woman's legal plight, despite the fact that he is the one being used here and owes nothing to her. I mean seriously - proposing marriage after 3 weeks to your landlord... who does these things. Never heard a story like this before. And no I'm not making it up.

The prenuptial agreement is good advice. My dad would definitely do that (I spoke to him about it). That is a main area of interest, that half our family's savings (my dad and I worked in a business together a long time) do not fall into the hands of this predatory woman.

Manuel,

He is not good with it. The reasons for the proposal are clear, to get citizenship and to get money. You need to know someone for much longer than 3 weeks before proposing marriage. Call me old-fashioned...