How to Solve the Raccoon Blues

A while back, a tenant complained about strange sounds coming from above his workspace. Sounds like scurrying and rustling, which made me guess that it was some sort of squirrel that had gotten into the space between the ceiling and the roof. I was out of town when I first got the complaint, so I directed the tenant to call a pest control company. After a couple of attempts with a small bait trap, the pest control company gave up and recommended that I call someone “more specialized in the capture of larger vermin.” Not exactly what you want to hear. But, it led me into communication with a wide-ranging group of unique characters with specialized skills in wildlife capture. Although they offer an important service, these types of guys are not listed in the phone book, nor are they easily found with a quick google search. After a few conversations, I narrowed down the most probable cause of the sounds to be a raccoon. Considering the time of year, and the location of the sounds, I was told that it was most likely a mother raccoon, either still pregnant or with newborn babies! With that in mind, I must disclose to you, my fine readership, that this was happening in the office of my largest tenant – a real estate brokerage firm made up of almost entirely female realtors. Not exactly the best group to inform that we might be dealing with a raccoon infestation! Additionally, the building is older, and its design is a little odd, in that it does not have an easily accessible drop ceiling. How the heck am I supposed to get that raccoon out?

Enter my savior – Bud. I ended up talking to a few different bounty hunter types before connecting with Bud, which was a feat in and of itself. He was hard to get a hold of because he does not own a cell phone. I have met few people as colorful and friendly as Bud. If you took a picture of him with the sepia tone setting on your i-phone, you might guess he lived in the 1800s. He has a huge beard and wears an old prospector-style cowboy hat. He works for the city utility department, but his side hustle is helping people with wild animal problems. When I asked how many raccoons he catches each year, he barely paused before saying several hundred! After looking around the building, Bud concluded that the raccoon crawled down an old chimney stack from the roof. Together, we put the trap into the attic via an access point under the eve.

It took five days and a few cans of wet cat food to finally get the raccoon into a trap. I helped him bring the trap down, with the live animal inside, around 3 pm. All the ladies were viewing the spectacle from various windows, all with varying degrees of horror on their faces. From the animal’s abdomen, we could tell that she had already given birth to a good-sized litter that presumably was still in the attic. The first time the raccoon hissed at me, I began doing the least manly little dance you have ever seen. With shoulders hunched, knees bent, and an ugly grimace on my face, I could barely control myself as I pranced around and watched Bud manage the situation. The ladies from the real estate office had a good view from a nearby window.  He took a firm stick with a sharp point and began jabbing the animal. He certainly was not trying to kill the raccoon, but it was a graphic scene and the hissing that it produced only caused me more awkward discomfort! Once the mama raccoon was good and agitated, Bud looked at me and said that the best thing to do was…put the cage back into the attic and let her loose. Say what! That does not make any sense! But wait…here is where we get to see the benefit of having a wise expert like Bud help you out. He told me that the mama raccoon now knows that this is not a safe place to be, and she’ll move her babies later that night. In Bud I trust, so we let her loose. Sure enough, the next day the mama raccoon and her babies had vacated the building. The broker who was the most impacted by the raccoon was a great sport about the whole ordeal. And I ended up giving him a listing that turned out to be an easy transaction as a reward. Pretty crazy story, right?