The Single Guy's Guide to Staging

Let me apologize right up front for the sexist title to this blog post. It should probably be something like, "The Guide to Staging for the Stereotypical Single Male". I am only reluctantly PC at the best of times, and that title works just a little too hard at it for my taste. Having been one of those single males, and yes, in many ways I did (still do?) fit the stereotypes, so I am taking the liberty of the title and will contend with the bad press afterwards.

I recently did a walk-through on half a dozen properties that were either potential investments for me or fit the basic outlines of homes for clients. Now normally about half of the homes I review are vacant, maybe a little more. On this particular day, all of them were occupied and had required that I call ahead and arrange a time to see the properties so my day was scheduled tightly and I could only devote 15-20 minutes to each property. What I experienced in those visits led me to write this blog post today and to use those experiences to offer these few tips.

Can I first say that if you are going to list your home and put yourself, your family and your Broker through the exercise of showing the place, take the time to address a few things before the first realtor or potential buyer comes through. To wit;

1. Take down the girly pictures from your "man cave". While the customization of the living space in homage to all things masculine is a cool feature for maybe 50% of the 20-35, single male set, explicit photographs of young maidens exposing their girl bits is not going to be a selling point with many of the wives (who, by the way make a great many of the buying decisions in society today, in case that has escaped you) or to 90% of the rest of us that are not in that small demographic I spoke of first.

2. Pick up your uniquely male, protective undergarments from the bedroom floor, along with the socks that you wore for the past week and put them some place, I don't know, like the washing machine. 

3. A quick tip - when things in your fridge can be detected by your neighbors through their sense of smell, it is time to remove them and give them a decent burial. If your intent is to get people in and out of your home quickly, then by all means leave it there to grow new and previously unknown cultures. Just don't expect the impact on a buyer to be a good one.

4. I am a DIY kind of guy. I do all my own, well pretty much everything that isn't illegal or immoral (Ok, perhaps there have been a couple grey areas in my youth) I admire that and would venture to say most other people would as well. And yes, it is good that you don't clean the rocker assembly from your hot rod 1949 Dodge in your kitchen sink. The next person to shake your hand after you have worked on your car and cleaned your palms thoroughly will thank you for it, but the next person to look at your bathroom sink, counter, mirror and that now hideously ugly hand towel are definitely not going to join your fan club.

5. And while we are on the subject of bathrooms...Guys, please, just until your home is either sold or off the market, PLEASE lift the seat! Nuff said.

6. I realize that for more than a few people, it is hard to figure out just what extra touches of cleaning and sprucing should happen. Many of us struggle to know where to add that extra touch of color, what stuff that we usually leave out would be better put away or what to do to get that aroma of too many people drinking waaaay too much on Friday and partying, shall we say just a bit too much, out of the place before the Saturday morning open house happens. My advice? Ask your mother to walk through the house. She'll let you know. If she isn't available, the next best thing is to imagine her coming over. Let your memory and your imagination lead you to a new and fresh edition of "your house"!

7. Finally, I want to say the last home I walked through was, by the standard set by the previous five, a 5-Star attraction. Carpets clean and recently vacuumed, bathroom fixtures still white, towels free of the spoor of auto repair, sports apparel was wherever that special kind of sports apparel is supposed to be and a complete lack of the olfactory evidence of long forgotten leftovers. I was suitably impressed. Right up until I opened what I thought was going to be a linen closet and discovered that the old fallback when I had to clean my room as a kid was still alive and well in the current age. After a valiant attempt at forcing all the less than Downy fresh laundry, sports paraphernalia, yes, even the pictures of the girly bits, back into the confines of the closet, I gave up and decided to call it a day. People want to know if there is storage in your home. To some it is actually really important. They are going to look, so be prepared.

Here is my heuristic for the average home seller, regardless of age, race, gender, or any other classification you can think of. Your dirt in any of its many forms is acceptable to you because its yours. You probably don't have the same level of acceptance of your neighbors dirt. Nor they of yours. While most people are busy in their own lives and will cut you some slack if your home isn't pristine or if the home actually shows signs of human presence. They do tend to draw the line at dirt and most assuredly at anything with any serious, "Euw!" factor. Especially in the bathroom and kitchen. If it looks clean and picked up, you're most of the way there. If it smells more like fresh baked cookies than a locker room, you're getting really warm. And if the artistic flourishes in your "man cave" run to Harley's and the Seahawks instead of the latest bathing suit edition of Sports Illustrated, you're definitely on the right track.