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Updated over 13 years ago,
Funny real estate definitions
I thought there was already a thread about funny/humorous real estate definitions here on BP, but unless Steve can find the link, I'm guessing I read something similar elsewhere.
So let's start one here. I'll kick it off and hope to see many more additions and contributions. This is all meant in good spirit and fun - I do not intend to attack anybody or their approach. Hopefully this will give all of us a much needed laugh on those days when we desperately need one. :D
Real Estate Investor - Any of several unemployed individuals who spend the majority of their day painting and cleaning properties, staring at their computer monitors looking for deals, or talking on the phone to countless agents, contractors, lenders, etc. all for the express purpose of avoiding a "real" job.
Tenant - A sub-group of life form that neither understands the basic fundamentals of cleanliness or operating a simple traditional stove top without causing over $500 worth of damage.
Landlord - A multi-millionaire dollar narcissist who owns a phone that apparently never rings, an e-mail account that never receives, or a mailing address the post office never delivers to.
Buy & Hold Investor (cash-flow) - A landlord who realizes after acquiring, rehabbing, and leasing several dozen properties, that he still doesn't have enough income to get off food stamps.
Buy & Hold Investor (appreciation) - A speculator who holds onto his properties for several decades with the ultimate goal of making his great-grandchildren very wealthy.
Note - Various discrete elements that make up music.
Points - The sharp end of a nail or screw.
Hard Money Lender - See "Loan Shark".
Paint - An opaque viscous substance that exhibits the following properties, 1) costs far more than one would expect, 2) never looks the same on your wall as it did in the store, 3) covers half the area stated on the can, and 4) will only clean up with "soap and water" provided you add bleach, acetone, and sandpaper.
Wholesaler - A mysterious sort of creature that makes large expensive purchases despite having no money whatsoever.
Flipper - An overly dedicated individual who spends 2 to 3 months renovating property for a profit only to find they averaged $1.25 per hour.
Motivated Seller - A rare and endangered species that has been hunted to near extinction by various investors, wholesalers, flippers, etc.
Lender - An institution possessing a large quantity of capital not available to the public as there is more profit to be made in bank fees than mortgage interest.
Asset Manager - An agent of the bank that couldn't tell the difference between a house and a shoe box.
Foreclosure - The process a bank uses to seize a property from a homeowner and sell it for a loss rather than modify the loan and make a profit.
Multiple Listing Service (MLS) - A large compilation of homes no longer available.
Realtor - A member of an organization of real estate professionals open to several people who don't know anything about real estate.
Bird-Dog - A motivated go-getter that performs 90% of a Realtor's services for 10% of the cost.
Fixer-Upper - A term used to describe a house that only needs new paint, new carpet, a kitchen remodel, re-piping, re-wiring, several major structural repairs, and a foundation which requires a team of seismic engineers to fix.
Turn-Key - A term that describes a "fixer-upper" (see above) that has been completely repaired and is available to an out-of-town investor for 20% above prevailing market rates.
Contractor - A member of a special fraternity that shows up at your property to collect a check and at no other time.
Appraiser - A professionally licensed individual with a tape measure, clip board, and camera who spends hours compiling a 30 page report telling you something you already know.
Home Inspector - A guy with a ladder and flashlight who charges you $250 to inform you that you really need to speak to a licensed contractor (see above).
Plumber - Somebody who gave up their medical practice in order to triple their earnings.
Real Estate Guru - Somebody who gave up their plumbing business to triple their earnings.
Bootcamp - A place would-be real estate investors go to part with the cash they could otherwise be using to purchase real estate.