These dogs are immaculately trained and certified to handle nearly all situations and obey commands religiously.

You should be able to command a premium for new along with high deposits, first/last months rent, etc. as much as law will allow and market will bear.Just remember, it's exceedingly unlikely that the place will look new when you get it back...

Definitely echo the sentiments that $0 money investing is much more myth and marketing snake oil than being plausible.Closest thing I know to quick easy funding is a 0 fee, 0% credit card balance transfer but not everyone can command 30K plus credit limits and I wouldnt recommend that path unless you are equipped to handle that debt once the promotional APR expires

There is not a huge draw to Columbus, GA for short term rentals that commands high nightly rates.

Also, multi in this market doesn't command a better price-per-unit cost over SFR.

At those numbers, a 200k CA property would have to rent for around 3.3-3.5k a month.Why would a property not command more value for a RTP (rent to price) than $45,000? 

The only time it's worth doing this is if the property is in an unsafe neighborhood where it's the market norm and is priced in to market rent- or adding it commands a significant increase in rent.

We have 3 good sized (legit) offices in the home (my wife claims 2 of them) & my wife has another 30 mins away (my daughter commandeered mine at this location).

There are many factors that will enable you to do this including how much money you have to put down and how much your property will command in rent.  

Why do you think those Midwest markets offer 10+ cap while San Diego and San Jose can only command a 4 cap?