50 Signs Your Contractor Is A Moron

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50 Signs Your Contractor Is A Moron

All permits are written in Spanish and are signed by the Taco Bell dog.
He holds the hammer from the wrong end and hits himself with it repeatedly.
He puts a window in upside down and in the wrong building.
He files a preemptive lawsuit against you before he even starts work.
He's recommended by the real estate agents that sold you the property because they didn't make enough money off the original deal.
He uses a nail file as a screw driver.
His sub contractors are watering the grass and writing their name in the snow at the same time.
He install smoke alarms connected to batteries because he doesn't trust his own electrician.
His own electrician was killed in an electrical fire.
He offers to build a pool but tells you that you'll need to inflate it.
He asks for a gift card to buy supplies but demands it be from an adult book store.
He tells you if the city comes by just pretend he doesn't speak any English.
His kids were all killed when his home collapsed.
He tells you he's double jointed but he wasn't at birth.
The first thing he asks you is if your doing an undercover story on unlicensed contractors for NBC.
He tells you don't worry about insulation because he has a ton of left-over asbestos from the last job.
He tells you he can't get started until his Time-Life series on copper plumbing arrives.
When you ask for references he says, "Do they have to be in construction.?"
His workers spend their entire lunch break debating which is the better beverage: Coores or Bud Light.
He tells you he'll need $300 more for a new toilet because his men broke the last one.
He tells you he can't finish today's work because he needs the time to study for the contractor's test.
He's missing more limbs than your high school shop teacher.
During the demolition phase he asks you if you know where to pick up any dynamite.
When you rent the Money Pit, he gets offended and disconnects the power.
He's a high school coach and he uses players who need to improve their grades whenever a subcontractor quits.
He tells you don't worry about installing a phone jack because nobody uses landlines anymore.
He tries to convince you to install a laundry room because he needs to get rid of his washer and dryer,
He installs a sun roof because every time he installs a light something burns down.
The actual price for his work is usually twice the estimated price except when he says “Don't worry. This week will be much cheaper.” And those weeks force you to take out a home equity loan.
Any of his customers have had to take out home equity loans to finish construction.
He tries to put linoleum in the living room because he didn't know how to refinish a hardwood floor.
He tells you his frame guy can turn a studio into a two bedroom.
The only home his frame guy ever subdivided was a prison cell.
He keeps leaving the job to meet with his probation offer.
He tells you he needs to take the ceramic tile up because of termite damage.
He tells you, that you'll need to buy all supplies because Home Depot and Lowes will no longer take his checks.
The vanity he builds falls apart because the only thing he used to put it together was Elmers.
Elmer files a lawsuit against the contractor for costing them business.
He installs a shower shroud made out of cardboard.
He paints that cardboard to make it waterproof.
He paints each room six different colors because he never bothers to look at the numbers on the top of each paint can.
His last job lost their home in a foreclosure sale.
And even the person who bought it for nothing more than the price of the back taxes is convinced he got burned.
He blames the original builder for everything he doesn't know how to do.
He installs an air conditioning system and then never works outdoors again so neither he nor his subcontractors will need to work in the heat.
He uses his supplies money to buy power tools for other jobs.
He picks them up when you're not home one month after the job has ended.
He tells you he'd gonna need an extra twenty for hammers and nails because he lost big in poker last night.
The I Can't Believe It's Not Butter company sues the contractor for coining the phrase, “I Can't Believe Anyone Called This Jerk A Contatractor.”
The real estate agents who recommended the guy, who are also his relative will not hire him to work on their own kid's homes because they know better.
The foundation falls down because he used the metric side of the ruler on half the walls and the English side on the other half.
After six weeks of work his only real accomplishment was moving four walls and creating one.