Universal Truths and Asparagus

I am certainly not the smartest person in the room. On occasion, I am the smart aleck in the room, but that’s a whole other topic. At any rate, in my time here on this planet I have come to learn a number of things that help me to know that the world is in balance, if only precariously. These little things are the constants in life that we can count on like gravity keeps us from floating up in the air and water is wet. Without them, we feel a certain uneasiness. Let me share them with you:

1.Asparagus will have a lingering effect, if you know what I mean. Try as you might to dilute it with large quantities of alcohol or a cherry Slurpee, that little green vegetable’s odiferous power will not be masked.

2.If a man has a mustache – with no other facial hair – it’s a 98.72% likelihood that he’s a cop or a firefighter . . . or it’s Tom Selleck reprising his role in Magnum P.I. Little known fact: Salvador Dalíwent to his college career advisor to ask about how he could become a police officer and found that the waiting list was three years long, but there were immediate openings in the “eccentric artist” department.

3.When you walk into a men’s public restroom, two out of the three seats in the stalls will be left in the up position – the one that’s not was last used by a man who’s been married for more than five years.

4.You will never become a millionaire, lose seventy-five pounds, or grow your hair back as a result of something you received through junk mail or a mass email.

5.Regardless of your college major and the subsequent career field you pursue, the things you learn in your Political Science 202 class will only come in handy when watching or competing on Jeopardy.

I defy you to prove these universal constants wrong. Sure, you’ll come back and say things like, “Hall of Fame pitcher Rollie Fingers had a handlebar mustache, and he was never in law enforcement or public safety.” Bear in mind, though, that Mr. Fingers and others of his mustachioed ilkcomprise the other 1.28% – I have statistics to back me up. What have you got?

Just as there are constants in the world that we universally understand and accept, there are also misconceptions that exist and need to be righted immediately. Of course I’m talking about the real estate/mortgage world – this isn’t a newsletter for chefs who like extreme sports (unless they’re looking to buy or sell a house). In last week’s newsletter, I touched on a big one: you don’t have to amass a 20% down payment to qualify for a home these days. I know I made a big deal of that last week, but it bears repeating (and I’m the one writing the newsletter). Here’s another HUGE misconception: the only way to get into a home with prices on the rise is with the help of a down-payment assistance program. HUGE misconception! I am not implying in any way that DPA programs are bad; I’m only saying that the funds available in those programs are limited, and the DPA doesn’t always work out in the end. There are products out there that are NOT down-payment assistance programs that require NO down payment; there are others that only require a 1% down payment with the lender giving 2% toward the down payment. Those are constants in our current universe.

In closing, my recommendation is that you take comfort in these simple truths that I have outlined and this new information I’ve shared. Lay your head on your pillow tonight and dream sweetly of a world that makes sense in its own weird way. And if in those dreams you suddenly find yourself on Jeopardy competing against Tom Selleck and Salvador Dalí, rest assured they won’t know Plato’s Theory of Forms either.